The beginning of the end | A Bensler FanFic

Break-ups and nightmares

We stopped talking. He texted me a couple of times trying to apologize but I didn't want to talk to him. I never wanted to feel as desperate and alone as I had and the way I found to avoid that was not to talk to him anymore, because one thing was for sure, I could no longer deny my feelings towards that man.

But, because of it, the world seemed such a sad place. I was still with Ed but I wasn't in love and I knew it. He was just being my comfort, the rock in which I knew I could always lay against. Since the last time I had been with Elliot the sensation of feeling alone had come back and I couldn't deal with it. All I wanted was to forget that he had reappeared at all and to get back to where I was before Cragean died. And I tried.

Some months later I got a text, saying that he and Dani were back together and engaged. I knew it could well be a prank but that didn't stop me from being sick to my stomach and Tucker, who was there next to me when I got the text, realized it. We were arguing before and the fact that he saw me react like that to a text about Stabler got him pissed. Luckily Noah was at a friend's house because the argument got big. Things were said that weren't meant to and, at some point he asked me if I even loved him to which I answered with a nod of my head, trying to say I didn't know. He then told me something I never in my life would forget: "If you loved me, you would know. When you say you don't know, either you don't love or you do, just don't have the guts to say it. If you loved me, your eyes would spark when you saw me, I would be able to make you laugh for no reason at all. We would be happy and we both know we are not. I know it because you loved me one day. I know you don't love me anymore. You would feel butterflies, so would I". Then he said we were too old to be spending time with someone who was not the one and said he wished I would find him, adding right before he left that maybe I had found him already. I was surprised, and that was how I stayed. But I wasn't sad. There were way to many things said and done to there even exist the possibility of us being together anymore. And that was ok because he was right, I didn't love him. The moment he walked out my door, I was feeling calm. I knew it wasn't love. When I kissed him, I felt nothing. I was reminded constantly of my conversation with Elliot and how Tucker was always screwing us back in the day. So, I did what I would always do, went to the precinct to work a case that was killing me. Little did I know what I was going to live in the days following the break-up.

A rapist was gone in the wind and I knew he had kidnaped the 2 teenagers he had raped to escape trial, but it was being impossible to prove since the DNA on the only rape kit was contaminated and we couldn't prove he had them. I had locked this bastard with Elliot's help in '02 and he hated my guts, but I hated him more. I felt like it was my fault that he was gone and I wanted to catch him way to badly. Then Amanda and Dominick called, saying that they had found a warehouse where he could be hiding. I rushed there, without caring about the fact that, if he didn't have them, conviction would almost be impossible. I got there in time to hear a shot and think the worst. Hostage negotiation had already called him but he said he would only talk to me. I ran to the phone, trying to make him tell me who he had with him or if everyone was ok but, the second he heard my voice, he said that he wanted to make me suffer and that he would. In that moment, I knew he had someone I loved with him and my thoughts ran to Noah. I would die if he had him. And all he did was confirm my suspicions, saying he had someone important to me and he would kill that person in front of my face. I was almost crying and shaking uncontrollably, allowing my reason to say it was Noah. My baby was all I could think about, though I had a little hope, buried in my heart, that he was safe. Then I heard a sound trough the phone, as the perp slapped someone twice and a voice teasing the guy, asking if he couldn't do better than that. It was Elliot's.

Relief and worry rushed through my veins as I called the babysitter and told her to take Noah away, she knew what she had to do and I knew I had to keep him safe, not knowing if the perp was acting alone therefore not being 100% sure Noah was clear of all danger. After all of that, I tried to negotiate. He said he was done and pulled the trigger. One girl screamed and I realized that the girls were there to. The adrenaline was making my stress levels go higher than advised as I tried to plan something to do. There were no windows nor place from where we could have a view inside and they said that they were ready to go the harsh way but I didn't want to. I knew if they went in, the little chances Elliot had of being alive were gone. I didn't know if I should go inside or stay and give directions but, as I heard another shot, I couldn't dress the bulletproof vest faster. I knew Elliot was gone, my reason kept saying it to me and my heart felt as empty as it could be. I knew I had to have hope but it was slipping through my fingers as I approached the door. I shouted at Fin, telling him to go inside with me, knowing that if Elliot was dead in there, I couldn't deal with it by myself. And I knocked the door down.