Maybe I am, I'm truly sure. But if there's another reason I can give you to leave my account, this is a good one.
Sociopathy and Psychopathy come from something called Antisocial Personality Disorder. There's usually a general lack of empathy shown towards others, and morally grey ways of thinking. I've had this problem for the last two or so years. That's what I believe, but I don't know for sure when or how I had it. I'm not completely outside of the idea of empathy and emotions, I definitely understand why people would do crazy things, or feel things in different situations. For example, people would feel sad if their loved ones died, enraged by people who cause them fault, and happy in certain situations. Of course, I still react accordingly to the situation. I must, if I am able to continue in an interpersonal society.
I first realized this problem when it occurred to me how badly I reacted to a disaster. I can't remember the details clearly, but unlike the norm, which involved people to immediately feel something along the lines of "I'm so sorry!" or "That's terrible!", I found the incident fascinating. I definitely had a bad way of projecting my interest, as it earned an hour lecture from my parents on how I'd never get a job if I continue acting this way. It wasn't that I wanted or enjoyed the deaths of the people, I just found the incident fascinating. It might be hard to believe, but I was just curious about it. This wasn't the only time it happened. There were other incidents where I focused on the reasons for the problems rather than the people. It wasn't my focus, but my reactions that I realized needed to change. They have changed so it goes with the situation now. Although not entirely devoted to that one emotion, it passes so people around me won't hate me for my lack of or incorrect reaction.
I've just gotten so used to changing to go with the norm that I now project the "needed" emotions more frequently compared to the emotions I actually feel in a public area. I don't exactly know how to feel about it. It's just so common I've gotten in trouble it longer really matters to me. I don't feel like I'm much "colder" than everyone else, I'm just me. I laugh, cry, and I smile, I just don't know whether or not I'm actually projecting "real" or "needed" emotions. When people smile, they say they receive a warm feeling that courses through their body. My emotions stop after the facial expressions.
My emotions are selfish. Any time I had strong emotions it would usually only be due to my mistakes, something that would harm my future. Or if it would benefit me. I am polite towards my teachers, parents, and siblings because I'd rather not waste more hours on being lectured, or delaying the inevitable. It's just an act and to be honest, I'm scared for how long I can continue this.
There is no treatment for antisocial personality disorder, so the experts say. They've also described sociopaths and psychopaths as extremely dangerous, manipulative, and people you should stay away from. Good thing it's called "Antisocial" personality disorder, right? Welp, I don't know if the experts are correct. But considering how I scored exactly 50% in the test, I doubt it entirely describes me. But I'm not an expert and people change. I truly doubt that I'll murder anyone in the future, but I did come close to that feeling many times with my siblings. And I am in no way interested in spending the time and money dating people and breaking up with them just for amusement. I don't hate people, but I don't necessarily enjoy them either. They are interesting and a nuisance, predictable and undetermined. My biggest worry is on figuring them out. Especially why they choose actions that cause danger to their safety and their groups gain no advantage. For that reason, I took Sociology this year.
After so much brainwashing and propaganda on the news these days I don't know what to believe. Empathy is the biggest thing one needs for sociology, yet I managed to get top grades due to how easy it is to mimic empathy. I felt close to nothing for the refugees, although I understand and knew exactly the pain they felt and found it as the "right thing" to help and donate. It's contradicting but that's exactly how I perceived it.
I don't think I'll go public about this. I told my parents and they didn't seem to mind, probably hoping I'll grow out of it. There's no need to tell the school nurse or waste money at a therapist, considering how there's no treatment for sociopaths. It's just my predicament, and I'll continue like this if it benefits my survival and progress for this interpersonal society. No, I am not depressed, murderous, or manipulative over the average person. I am just lacking emotion and empathy.
Off to my Sociology exams. It's the Israel-Palestine conflict that's being tested this year. We have to describe it in viewpoints, how the conflict is addressed from both sides, and find a recommendation for it. Considering how much propaganda and bad experiences both sides have had, I doubt it would ever stop. Yet we have to think "positively" for the system and choose the two-state solution. Only a miracle would be able to solve this.
And only a miracle would allow me to gain empathy.
11:37 AM
30/11/2017
