Learning To Love Again (Completed)

Learning To Love Again Chapter 2 >>> Picture of Jackson

We were in my parents’ car, on our way to Redhill. Thomas was playing with his action figures, bashing them together, pretending one was flying. I was watching him, giggling.

“Are you having fun?” I was curious. He certainly looked like he was enjoying himself. He always was a happy, bubbly, funny child. He nodded and carried on playing with his toys. My thoughts trailed off to Redhill. I hadn’t been back in 6 years. I remembered the lake, where we’d have picnics as a family. I remembered the shopping centre, where I’d hang around with my friends. I remember my parents’ house. The house I’d grown up in. I felt safe there.

“Where are we going, mum?” Thomas asked, interrupting my thoughts. I hadn’t told him yet. I didn’t know what to say to him. He had no idea about anything that had been going on. I didn’t want him to be affected by all this; it just wouldn’t be fair on him to burden him with the knowledge of everything. This was just something he didn’t need to know. How had my life come to this? Running away from my child’s father?

Alex had taken me away from my family when I was 17. Well, it was my choice really. I went with him. I was in love with him, and for the first couple of months, things were great. We were happy. He’d take me out for dinner, buy me anything I wanted, a treat me like a princess. But then, when I’d fallen pregnant with Thomas, he’d changed. He’d disappear for hours. Days sometimes, and I wouldn’t have a clue where he was. Things just went downhill from there.  I’d phoned my parents this morning and they’d come straight away to pick us up. They agreed for us to stay at their place until I was back on my feet. They were so happy to have us back in their lives. They’d only met Thomas once, when he was first born, and that was because Alex wasn’t actually allowed in the room because he’d turned up high as a kite.

“We’re going to stay at Nana and Granddad’s house for a while, are you alright with that?” I asked sweetly.

“Ok, mummy”. He looked deep in thought before continuing. “Is Daddy coming?” he asked, looking up at me with those innocent little eyes. How do I answer this? I knew he’d miss his dad. He adored Alex; He was definitely going to miss him. He hardly saw him anyway, even when we all lived together. It was going to be even harder not seeing him at all. Would he get used to it? Would he understand why I had to take him away from his father? I couldn’t bear the thought of Thomas resenting me when he’s older because I took him away from his Daddy and he just didn’t understand.

“No, darling, Daddy’s not coming with us. It’s just going to be you, me and Nannie and Granddad for now, ok?” I tried to sound confident, but my voice was breaking along with my heart.

 “Ok” he’d replied. He had a confused look on his face. Maybe one day he’d understand.  “I love you mummy” The love and hurt I felt for Thomas was indescribable. He was the most amazing thing to happen to me and even though I had him young, I never regretted it. The only thing I regretted was his father. I just picked the wrong man.              

“I love you too, darling” I winced as he cuddled up to me hurting my ribs. I snuggled him up to me a little more and drifted off into a light slumber. I dreamt that I was tied to the bed, Alex touching me, his hands all over my body, kissing me.

I woke up sweating profusely and gasping.

“Are you ok, Payton?” My mother had turned around in her seat, placed a hand on my knee sympathetically, watching me, looking concerned.

“Just a bad dream, I’m fine. I’m okay” I replied. These dreams had frequented my sleep for 4 years now, I was used to them. They were all always the same. Alex with his hands all over me, leering at me, making me feel sick.

“Well, we’re nearly here, you might want to start waking Thomas up” she nodded towards my lap.  I hadn’t noticed he’d fallen asleep on me. He looked so peaceful, snoring lightly, the innocence showed on his sleeping face, the peaceful and serene dreams blocking out the dangers of the outside. His soft breathing making the world seem to stand still.

“Come on, Tommy” I cooed. “Time to wake up, darling”. He opened his eyes, semi-conscious to what was going on, sat up, rubbed his eyes and yawned.

As we arrived in Redhill, I looked out the window. It looked exactly the same as when I’d left 6 years previous. The trees were blossoming and the children were running home from school. It was just how I remembered it. Just how I hoped it would be.

When we pulled into the driveway, Thomas ran into the house with my parents. My little sister ran out of the house grinning from ear to ear and squeezed me tight, practically knocking me over.

“I missed you” she cried. Lily was 17. I hadn’t seen her in 5 years, just like everyone else. She still lived at home with our parents and she was nothing like me. She was independent and there was no way she’d be running off with her boyfriend anytime soon. I hugged her tightly back; I’d missed her so much.

“I missed you too” I said, emotionless. I didn’t know how to react. I’d forgotten what love like this was towards another adult.

I looked around. The street was slightly different; there were a couple of new houses down at the other end of the street, several homeowners had made renovations to their homes, including my parents. I looked at the house, the big house that I’d grown up in. It was a little different. I noticed the conservatory poking out from the side of the house. That wasn’t there before. Nor was the big iron clad gates at the front of the driveway. It was definitely different. A nice different. It was home.