Another Boring Teen's Journal

Fri, Dec 1st, 2017

I'm starting pretty much with the end, or at least the end of my semester. Today was my last test and now I'm able to "relax and start enjoying the hollydays".
However, I got some of my grades and I didn't do so well. I don't wanna know how my mom is gonna react. I've always had really good grades, I've only failed one test in all my life, so they expect me to get 100's or at least 90's. So as soon as she finds out she will be so dissapinted. I know her, she will give me that mad look, talk to me about why I didn't study enough, how I'm so lazy and that I could do better. She might compare me to some of my friends that get better grades, OR even my ex, who has an academic excellence scholarship...
What she doesn't know is that I already do it. I compare myself with better people all the time. Why can't I be like them? Why am I so stupid? And its not just in grades. Why I don't get invited to as many parties as they do? Why do people like them so much? Why can't I be like them? Why can't I be healthier? Why can't I eat better and workout a little? I feel so fat.
These last months I've been eating like a pig, and I know I'm gaining weight. I see myself. I see how friends, family, look at me, being so obvious about it. And I've been telling my mom about it, but apparently she doesn't care.
But they can never be happy with weight. As soon as I lose a few kilos, they reprend me cause I'm not eating well.
Actually, a few days ago, I went out to study with some friends and I suddenly felt sick. I guess it was low blood pressure, or sugar, idk. I hadn't had a great breakfast nor eaten anything since then, so when my mom went to pick me up she started nagging me about how I never eat at my times, how irresponsable I was, how I'm not feeding myfelf right. (She's the one who feeds me, tho!!!) And also there was my aunt who also started quarreling. All of this was in the way home. When I got there, my big sister started saying "Don't be so stupid", "What? Are you anorexic now?" I still felt sick by then and all I heard was women arguing about my "health". Not even. More about how I should be eating, and what I am doing wrong.
I HATE when adults talk about me as if I didn't understand basic life.
I KNOW I must eat healthy. I WANNA eat healthy. But they're really not helping at all. Eating little is not good, I'm aware, but neither is overeating! If they always tell me to finish my plate, even tho I'm full, even tho I've had enough, how I'm I supposed to live healthy? To eat just what I need?
And I KNOW I should get better grades. I swear I'm trying, I'm better than many others in that aspect. But NO. They just see everything I do wrong. Everything I could be doing better.
Its just so frustrating always trying to be the perfect girl. Being nice to everybody, preening everyday, "never" doing anything considered inappropriate or self-destructive.
I got tired of it. I even started smoking a few months ago. I'm not proud of it, it makes me embarrassed, and literally only my best friend knows. Maybe it's actually not a big deal, but I feel like the biggest failure. Despite that, feels good to do something wrong for once.
I don't even care if my family catches me, everyone has been addicted to it. They can't tell me anything.
But I still think smoking's not enough, I'm actually looking for something stronger.