Today's Christmas, well, Christmas Eve, and here in Mexico we celebrate today. We usually have family dinner and give each other presents.
I honestly hate Christmas in general. Sometimes it makes me angry, anxious or depressed. Specially growing up, that's when it hits you. Many people, like my mother, adore it, but I just can't like it. Every year my family gets smaller, I feel more hypocrisy. It's not fun nor magical anymore.
I didn't even spend this day with my blood family. It was with the family of my brother in law. I like them and they're fun but it's kindda sad. I cannot be OK with anything apparently, since the celebration with my real family was a week ago, but it was sad as well. I don't feel comfortable around them. It's not like they're rude or anything, it's just not the same.
Besides, we're lacking money, and I hate the obligation of buying presents for every single person we know. My mom has a lot of debts and she insists in decorating the house, getting a tree, buying everyone a good present. And she never receives anything in return. I mean, I can't buy her anything cause I have no money. And she wants to buy me everything in the world, when we go to a store she's like: "If you see anything you like, tell me and I'll get it." And I think: "plz no mom, we're poor". But I can't tell her that.
It just exasperates me that she can't be at peace with her life. I know she feels guilty but that's pretty much all there is. Specially her thinking that she must be good to everyone when in reality no one gives a fuck.
Every year I feel my family more broken. Or I guess I see every problem more clearly each time. It's becoming more evident how everybody desperately tries to hide their issues and show just a big fake smile.
I wish I could just get drunk or incredibly high so I wouldn't remember this shitty holiday, but sadly I'm not home alone (no pun intended) and I can't get my wine and my weed out. I guess it should be saved for later.
Anyway, Marry Christmas, Happy Hollidays, or whatever.
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Another Boring Teen's Journal
CasualeThis is not a novel, a story or whatsoever. I'm just writing here to get everything bothering my mind out. If you're looking for something interesting to read, better go somewhere else.
