Unwanted Change

Chapter Four

I stood there for what seemed like several eternities, but in reality was probably on a few minutes. 

I felt numb.
I felt gross. 
Dirty.
I was dirty.

I can't go out there like this, I thought to myself.

My jeans were ripped and covered in mud, my belt hung loosely - still snapped in half. I felt swelling in my eye, which was the area that he punched me. My now exposed arms were layered with bruises. 

I shivered. 

God, no, no, no. This can't be happening, I reflected. 

I kept trying to push it all away, push it down. But it all came back, what had just happened to me. I felt bile rise in my throat as I attempted to hold it back, failing in doing so. I puked on the damp gross over and over again until there was nothing remaining to throw up. After I wiped my mouth, I sat numbly on my knees.

What do I do? I questioned myself over and over again in my mind. What is a person supposed to do in a situation like this? 

If I came out from under those bleachers, everyone would see me and suspect what I had been doing. They would see my tangled hair and messy body. I slowly pulled out my phone, seeing it as my only option. 

Please help, under the bleachers. I simply texted to Elaina. 

After five minutes passed and she still didn't reply, I sent the same message to Ian. I just sat there in the freezing cold without a coat. I sat in the wet grass beneath those dark bleachers and attempted to keep my mind on anything else other than the state I was in. 
A figure appeared at the entrance to under the bleachers.

My heart jumped in such an extreme state of fear. I panicked and began to have an attack. My breath came out fast and ragged, yet I couldn't breathe. 

"No, no, please," I begged, creeping back as I choked on dry sobs. Bile began to rise in my throat again.  

"Hey, Theo?" The voice called out, I recognized it as Ian's. "It's just me."

"Over here." I whimpered.

He turned his phone's flashlight on and shined it on me. Panic was layered on his face when he set his eyes on me. I slowly stood up - every muscle and limb in my body aching. He stood in front of me, turning his flashlight off. My eyes adjusted until I could see his face once more. 

"Oh, Theo, what happened?" He asked concernedly, his eyebrows upturned as he place his hand on my shoulder. 

And there I wept. 

I cried the most bitter of tears as Ian enveloped me into a hug, rocking me back and forth .

"Theo, oh, Theo," He whispered, stroking the back of my head. I could hear tears in his voice, which only made me cry harder. I was a mess of tears, snot and sorrow. I probably looked like a wreck, but that was the last thing on my mind. 

"He - he - he -" I choked out, tears falling like a waterfall.

Ian nodded sympathetically, urging me to speak as he put space between us so that he could see my face. A sob escaped my lips as I fell to the ground in a heap - a living, lifeless heap of a person. 

"He raped me, Ian." I sobbed. 

Every ember, every being in my body hurt. Every dream I ever had disappeared before my eyes. Nothing mattered. 
Ian crouched down to me and pulled me into another hug. 

"Oh, Theo," He whispered again, now fully weeping himself. His body shook the same as mine.

"It's going to be okay," He added in a soothing manner several moments later, rubbing my back. After a few minutes of tears, we slowly dried our eyes. 

"What do I do?" I asked, a new wave of tears threatening to spill from my eyes, "Oh God, Ian, what do I do?!?"

He ushered me to stand up and took off his coat, placing it on my bare shoulders. I was in too much agony to thank him. 

"We're going to take care of you, don't worry." He whispered. 

"How?!" I cried out. 

"First step is bringing you to the hospital." He answered, puling himself together as best he could. Someone had to be strong for my weakness and he graciously took the role. 

"but all those people -" I whimpered.

"I'm sorry, but there's really no other way to leave the stadium." He said softly, "Wait! I know a back way with less people." He added the last part after a few moments of consideration. 

I nodded my head in response. He led me out of the left side of the bleachers, instead of the right. He put his arm around me and maneuvered me through the small crowd. A few stares followed - but not too many. 

I was a walking zombie in their eyes. 

We finally arrived to his truck in the parking lot. After he opened the door for me, he helped me in. Ian waited until I was all buckled up until he shut the door. Silence succumbed my being in the seconds that it took for him to walk to the other side of the truck. As soon as he climbed into the driver seat, he hurriedly buckled up and started the car almost simultaneously. The sound of his truck filled the air as he put it into gear. I bolted up from my slouched position.

"Oh gosh, Daniel - and all my stuff - on the bleachers!" I mumbled out as if the whole sentence was one. 

The last word that I had spoken felt sour on my lips. 
Under the bleachers, 
Under the bleachers,
Those dirty, wretched bleachers. 

God please, haven't I suffered enough? I begged in prayer form, fearing a relapse of tears.

"It's okay," He replied, snapping me out of my awful thoughts, "I'll take care of it as soon as we get to the hospital."

I nodded my head and leaned back again.

"Thank you." I whispered, inclining my head against the cold window. 

Scenery flew by at the fastest rate I had ever seen in my life, but also the slowest. I was stuck in a place in between. Everything was in an agonizingly slow motion when I blinked, and I felt like a walking piece of death. A headache pounded at my skull as if my mind was try to escape. I pushed my fingers on the bridge of my nose and sighed. 

I felt dirty. 
Yes, I was dirty physically - layered in literal mud.
But I felt gross on the inside too.
I wanted to throw up.
I wanted to scrub, scrub, scrub my skin until there was nothing left.
I dry heaved, leaning over.

"It's okay, it's okay," Daniel comforted, one hand on the wheel and the other on my back, " we're almost there, alright?" 

I nodded numbly.

"I just want it to end." I muttered bitterly. 

"I know," He sighed. 

We sat in silence for a moment until I leaned forward once again and turned on the radio. I couldn't stand the silence that lingered all around me. My thoughts kept eating away at me so I tried to focus on the words that resounded through the speakers.'

"So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame. All who are broken, lift up your face." It sang. 

I normally belted out this song freely, but this time I didn't. I just sat there, detached, as the meaning of the words flew over my head. 

                                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you are enjoying my story so far! The song is called "Come As You Are" by Crowder. It's one of my favorite Christian songs right now. If you have any suggestions of constructive criticism or encouragement to add, please comment. <3 Don't forget to vote!!

I love you!