Unwanted Change

Chapter Seven

I buried my face into my covers as I dreadfully awaited Elaina's arrival. 
Obviously, since she's my best friend, I usually love to see her and have her come over to my house. However, this was a different situation. I knew that she would ask a million questions, poking and prodding at me (literally!) until she got the answer out. And although I didn't want to admit it, I knew that seeing here would remind me of last night, and the unsettling knowledge that nothing will ever be the same again.

I just want this to end, I thought, I don't want to do this anymore.

I constantly felt sick and anxious. I could feel my anxiety getting worse and I wondered if I should talk to my mom about seeing a therapist again.

Is there even hope for my life anymore? 

The question I asked was met with silence and suddenly I felt angry as I mentally yelled,

God, can you hear me? Are you even there?!

Everything I had ever learned, every bible verse I had ever memorized began to slip off the edge of my brain. Or more so, I was pushing it off. I didn't want to remember for how could such a "loving" God allow something this awful to happen to someone like me?
My mood began to plummet.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the front door slam.
I heard Elaina saying "hi" really loudly and then I didn't hear anything else she said. She stayed downstairs for a few minutes, speaking in hushed whispers to my mom.

Gosh, do they think I don't know that they're talking about me?

I buried myself deeper into my cream colored covers. Oh, how I wished I could melt into them. 
I could hear Elaina bounding up the steps until she finally reached my door at the end of the hall. A soft knock followed as she gingerly asked,

"Theo, can I come in?"

I stayed quiet for a moment before offering a half-hearted and disgruntled,

"Yes."

It only took her a few seconds after opening my door for her to sit on my bed. 
My body felt like it was being filled with lead. I couldn't move, nor did I want to. I wasn't prepared to talk to my best friend about me being raped. 
I don't think anyone ever is. 
She didn't say anything as I slowly rose from my hiding place beneath the sheets. 
I was met with concerned eyes as she sat across from me. 

"Oh, Theo." She soothed, taking in my bruised appearance. Seconds of silences followed before she added, "How are you doing?"

She obviously didn't know how to handle this situation.... I mean, neither did I. 
It's not like there's a rule book on "how to communicate about rape". 
I shifted my eyes uncomfortably and averted my gaze from her soft face. 

"Fine," I answered, tucking my messy and damp hair behind my ear. 

"You're lying to me." She stated a bit sternly, but still with a gentleness in her voice. "I know for a fact that you're not 'fine'." 

"What else do you want me to say, Elaina?!" I began to blow over. All my bottled feelings started to spill onto the lap of my best friend. I wanted to cry so that my face could match with the emotions brewing inside me... but I couldn't. 

"Do you know what it feels like to be raped?" I spat, my arms flying expressively. "Do you know what it feels like to lose your virginity outside of marriage to a man you don't even know?! No, you don't! So of course I'm not okay!" 

I sat there fuming. Heavy breaths followed my outburst.
I couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe.
I began to have a panic attack right in front of my best friend.
She scooted over next to me and held me until my breathing went back to normal. 
She didn't say anything for a while, but instead sat there with tears rolling down her cheeks. 

"I'm sorry that this happened to you, Theo," She whispered, sniffling through her nose. "I'm so sorry."

I nodded my head and tried to cry.
I tried and tried but could not feel a single tear form in my eye. 
But with that, I began to tell Elaina what happened.
I told her how I was pulled under the bleachers after using the bathroom by a stranger, I told her of the words he said, I told her of Ian rescuing me.

She perched there silently as I spoke, occasionally offering a nod of the head or a squeeze of my hand. After I had finished, she wrapped me into a tight hug ad whispered some of the most comforting words,

"You are so brave."

Those four words stabbed me in the heart.

I'm brave?

We hugged for a little while more, sitting in the stillness of sound - nothing but the whirring of my ceiling fan making noise. Elaina was the first to break the silence. 

"Let's just watch a movie to take our minds off of this, alright?" She suggested, offering a warm smile. "Just me and you."

I weakly smiled back as she turned on the T.V that sat in my room across from my bed. 
We layed there for hours, snacking on junk food and bell peppers. 
I didn't really want to eat much of anything, but Elaina basically forced me to.
My mom checked in on us every once in a while, asking if we wanted anything and sending knowing looks to Eliana. When my dad finally got home, he peeked his head in and greeted Elaina. His mannerisms were off and awkward.
I would feel awkward too if my daughter had just been raped.
I tried to laugh with Elaina. She did succeed in making me giggle and despite my situation, I felt myself smiling on occasion.
But sooner rather than later, the contentment in the air began to leave.
When the clock reached the digits of 8:30, Elaina stood up and declared that she regretfully had to head home.

"Don't forget that we have church tomorrow." She mentioned before she left.

I hadn't even thought about church. 
Truth be told, I didn't want to go. Why would I want to go to church and praise God when I was starting to wonder if he even exists?

I hope mom won't make me go.

Elaina pulled me out of my wonderings as she squished me in a long hug saying,

"See you tomorrow. I love you." 

Just as she reached the door in my bedroom, she turned around and added,

"Please don't forget the strength you have. You can do this, Theo. God will get you through this." 

She left me alone in my room with my thoughts once again.

Will He though? I questioned. 

Silence succumbed me as I sank beneath the covers at 8:55 pm and fell asleep.

No nightmares took place in my mind tonight but instead an odd dream repeated where Daniel kept saying to me over and over in slow motion, "I don't take used material."

                                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you're enjoying my book! Sorry that this chapter is only is one setting, but I felt that it would be accurate to portray Theo in a depressed state. 

Don't forget to comment and vote (constructive criticism is greatly appreciated)!

What do you think is going to happen next?