Unwanted Change

Chapter Nine

The ride to church was filled with my mom's mindless chatter.
I think she was beginning to feel the tightness in the air, and her only way of coping was talking. 
I looked out the window, sitting quietly the entire time. 
Have you ever been in one of those moods that brings you so low that your mouth feels heavy? Like a frown is weighed upon your lips?  Well, that's how I felt. 
Frankly, I didn't care if anyone sensed my bitterness. At this point, I had nothing to lose. 
I didn't care about much of anything, really. 
I could've died in that moment, and I wouldn't have minded a bit. 
After the longest 20 minuite drive to church that I've ever expierieced, we finally pulled into the church parking lot. I internally groaned. The once familiar and comfortable sanctuary now look foreign and cold. Frigidness seemed to hang in the atmosphere... and it wasn't the weather. 
We entered and were greeted by the ushers. 
Our church is relatively small. So small in fact, that everyone knows everyone. 
I forced smiles at familar faces and kept my conversations short as church members mingled before service. A few people asked me if I was okay, apparently noticing my dark demeanor, whereas others pretended that everything was just dandy. Others asked me about my black eye, in which I half-heartedly made up a story about me having a volleyball thrown at my face during school. 

Funny how they have no idea that this family is beginning to fall apart, I thought resentfully, or how they don't know that I've been raped. Oh, how can they still believe in God after all the awful things he has allowed to occur to people?

Bitterness consumed me and I had to swallow down the venomous words that seemed to want to climb through my throat out of my mouth. 
I ignored the once comforting sounds and smells around me. 
I blocked myself off mentally.
I was talking to an older adult who was asking me how school was going until suddenly I was overcome with such a great state of panic that I began to have difficulty breathing. 
I can't tell you exactly what negatively conquered me, but I believe it had been a number of things. Like say, me being raped and my life crashing down before my very eyes. 

"I'm sorry, but I really have to pee!" I lied to Mrs. Roberts. She sweetly excused me as I scurried away to the bathroom as fast as I possibly could. 

Once inside, I checked beneath the stalls. Upon realizing that I was alone, I broke down in uneven breaths. 

"Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh," I whispered frantically, closing myself in a stall. 

Panic ate at my body as I whimpered without tears. 
Alone. 
I was all alone in a buidling full of people. 
After several moments, I heard the bathroom door squeak open. 
I quickly regained composure and quieted my breathing. 

"Theo, is that you?" Elaina called. 

I opened the door, revealing my blotchy and distressed face in response. 

"Oh, hunny," She whispered, taking in my disheveled appearance. "What's going on?" 

I poured out my frantic and scattered thoughts onto Elaina, each word jumping over the other. 

"Elaina, ijustdon'tknowwhattodowithmylifeandidon'teventhinkibelieveinGodanymoreandnooneevenknowswhat'sgoingon." I exclaimed the words as if they were all one sentence. 

Elaina handled my outburst graciously. She nodded as I spoke, but was unable to hold back her shocked expression at my blatant statement about God. 

"I don't know what to say," She said moments later, breaking the strained silence. 

She ran her hands through through the ends of her long blond hair as she stood deep in thought. I could see her considering her next words before saying them,

"Well, Theo, no one can make you believe in God, but as you obviously know, He is real. You can't be angry at something or someone that doesn't exist."