Unwanted Change

Chapter Eight

I awoke to Jack gently shaking me the next morning.

"Wake up, sleepyhead! It's time for church." His voice was soft yet urging.

I groaned loudly and pulled the covers over my head as my alarm started to blare. 

"C'mon! We can't be late for church!" He whined, nudging my shoulder

What place does God have for me at church if I'm questioning his existence? I wondered.

I slowly began to sit up, rubbing my eyes as if I could wipe away the sleepiness and sorrow. I began to realize that sadness was creeping in at the back of my mind; making itself at home. I looked up at Jack as I mentally shook away my thoughts, and was disappointed to see pity in his eyes.
Pity.

Oh no, not you too.

I rolled my eyes and felt a mixture of anger and discouragment rising in my chest.. 

"I'm guessing they told you?" I accused, my voice dripping with disgust. 

He solemly nodded in reply. 
I rolled my eyes again.

"Okay, Jack, I'm up." I muttered, getting up and shoving him out the door, "Now let me get ready in peace."

As I reluctantly dressed in clothing suitable for church, I pondered my change of mood. 

Have I replaced my numbness with anger? Who am I angry at? 

I didn't want anger or resentment to overtake me, but I could feel it like a rising tide. I pushed it down and took a deep breath as I pulled on my dress. 

"God, if you're there... please just make all this pain stop." I commanded, looking out through my window at the sky. 

Minuites passed as I threw my outfit together. When I made my way to the bathroom mirror, I barely glanced at it in effort to forget my reflection. I didn't bother with makeup, but quickly ran a brush through my short hair. 
I slowly walked down the stairs and since I was ready before everyone else, I sat on a stool at the island in our kitchen. Laying my head down on the cool marble, I winced at the pressure on my eye. Suprisingly, I had forgot for a moment. But here I was, remembering it all again.
Heavy flashbacks ran through my mind;
Scenes repeating like a movie,
an awful, awful movie:

School.
Elaina's house.
Getting ready.
Driving to the football game. 
Almost panic attack.
Meet with friends. 
Meet with Daniel.
Run into gross Sterling.
Get snacks.
Hold hands.
Kiss.
Meet with friends again.
Have to pee.
Pulled under bleachers.

No, don't go there.
Stop it.
STOP IT!

I fumed at myself when reality was brought back. I was safe, I was fine, I was just in my kitchen.

Calm down.

Suddenly Jack walked into the kitchen. He immedietly noticed my distressed look and leaned his elbows on the counter. He stood across from me, just examining the emotions playing out on my face before saying, 

"Are you okay?" When I didn't answer he added, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head furiosly in response. I don't know why, but I suddenly felt so angry. 

Angry at myself for being in such a situation.
Angry at Jack for trying to pull words out of my mouth. 

Why did I have to go to the bathroom alone? 

My mind ran through all of the things I could have done differently, all the alternative choices I could have made that wouldn't have resulted in me being raped. But most of all, I was angry with God. If He existed, why would He do this? 
The words I spoke next even suprised me, 

"I don't believe in God, Jack."

His expression was completely altered from compassion and sympathy to shock. 

"What?" His words came out gradually and overarticulated.

His mouth sat slightly opened.
He looked as if he had been shot. 

"What?" He repeated when I didn't answer. His question was a bit louder this time, but completely devoid of any sort of anger. 

I sighed and slumped my face back into my hands. 

"Theo, how could you deny this loving God? How could you not believe Him to be real?" His eyes pleaded with me in a state of desperation. 

"I never said I didn't think He's real." I stated calmly, meeting my gaze to his. 

Remember his confused and shocked expression from a few moments ago? Well think that but times five. 
Now he was the speechless one. After a long moment of hesitation he managed to spit out, 

"But - but - He loves you. He created you." His face was somber and sad. 16 year old eyes should never look that depressed. "He's a loving God who died on the cross for you."

Suddenly I was filled with fury.
Not exactly at Jack, but at God. 

"Loving?!?" I spat. "So God was being 'loving' when he allowed me to be raped?!"

Jack never got to respond to my eruption because my parents entered the kitchen.  Thankfully they hadn't heard a single word that had previously come out of neither mine nor Jack's mouth. 

"Okay, ready to go?" My mom smiled cheerfully (obviously trying to feign happiness for my extent), unaware of the utter tension between Jack and I. 

Before we exited, Jack gave me a look that read, "we're not done here". 

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Sorry that this chapter was so short, but this was all I could muster to fit in. I hope you're enjoying my story so far (:
Don't forget to comment and vote!
Also, feel free to correct any grammatical mistakes or offer any sort of constructive criticism. Thank you, lovelies!!