Daily Adventures with Jikook

[entry nine] pt.1

Friday—3:35
In my bedroom

*[Warning: angst]*

Dear Diary,

Lately I've been feeling...a bit upset about myself. And I'm scared to tell my parents and my unnie about it. Until, I ended up going to the hospital. This is gonna be quite long so prepare yourself.

Maybe not upset about myself...but more...disgusted? Idk😔

You see at school you know we have those jocks who can be complete jerks. And remember so called "im the cheerleading captain" Macy? Well, her and her little cheerleading gang decided to be really rude to me. One of the girls in her group were the ones who tore my bag, i can't remember who though.

I was walking out of the library and was met by a cold splash hitting my head down to my clothes. Leaving me completely drenched.
The liquid was thick a brown.

Mud.

"Oh look, Is little Jazmin gonna cry?"

"Seriously?" I spit.

He eyes widen,"Look girls, this pig is talking back. Who knew pigs could do that."

The girls laugh,"Go play in the mud, you're never as perfect as us. Run along little piglet." She shoos me with her hand.

I had the urge to punch her square in the jaw. But remember what eomma said, "Never get into a fight unless they put your hands on you. Defend yourself when necessary."

And of course I flipped her off before walking away. Luckily, I had an extra pair of clothes in the locker room in dance class.

When I walk out of the locker room I stop to fix my hair...and froze.

I felt disgusted

I felt fat

I felt hideous

I never felt like this before. It was strange. Question ran into my mind. I could feel my chest hurt. My eyes swell up. I never thought I would let those words hurt me.
But they did...and I felt weak. I felt pity. When was I ever so emotional?

The sound of the door clicks open and I turn to see who it was.

It was the boy you helped my from falling.

"Oh hey," he smiles,"I didn't know you are in the dance team," I didn't respond and that's what made him frown.

"Are you okay?"

"U-Uh yeah, I-I have to leave. S-Sorry."

I take my stuff I ran out if the room before he tries to call me to wait.

When eomma picks me up from school. He noticed how quiet I was.

"Sweetie, are you okay?"

I smile but it didn't reach my eyes, "Yeah, i'm okay eomma." I lied setting my stuff on the couch.

"Do you wanna eat?" He asks.

I shake my head, "No thanks mom, I feel full from the lunch from school." Which I actually never ate.

I hug eomma before going into my room and locked myself.

I starved myself that day.

The days go by becoming weeks, I continued to starve myself and the girls kept telling harmful comments. I gave up standing up for myself because they were never gonna leave me alone.

I became paler and thinner. I looked lifeless. I was proud of myself. I came home late from practice because I made myself to do so.

I wanted to become better, ehen i didn't need to.

I wanted to be more skinner, when I was already thin in the first place.

One day, I had to perform a solo for the class. Since the team were counting on me to win the solo for out competition. Me being the role model in that class. I was chosen.

The music played as I slowly start to move. I felt like my feet were heavy. My vision was blurry and I was losing breath. I couldn't breathe. I was gasping for air.

And I collapse...everything went black.

written by - jazmin [-ChildOfJikook ]