Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives

I dont know what this is..

I guess this would apply to depression, but let's see.

When I was little, I was very superstitious. I would hold my breath whenever we would pass a graveyard, never step on a crack, and always send those chain messages (you know what I'm talking about) to more people than needed. It never occurred to me in that time how strange it was; it was just who I was.

Another thing that would seem strange to others was how often I would think about death. It wasn't just me dying, it would be me worrying about car crashes, panicking whenever my parents were out too long. This is why being superstitious helped; it would calm me down. There was also a phase were I would hang my dolls from a banister by their necks but that's not important.

From the ages of 4-6, when I had just started sleeping in my own room, it would be 1-2 hours before I would fall asleep. At that time, I didn't know what insomnia was. Therefore, I would just lay in bed and think. If I was up to it, I would sneak downstairs and watch the news, but normally I would just try to sleep.

As I said, I would think about death a lot. So, when I would lie in bed, sometimes I would imagine that Death himself was standing over me, ready to take me away. Every time this would happen, I would always think the same thing. Not yet, I would murmur to the dark corners, I have a birthday party next weekend and they would be sad if I wasn't there. It wasn't always that excuse, but I would bargain (with myself) for my own life, giving myself a small excuse to stay alive. I need to feed the dog, I can't miss turning in homework, I need to finish this game.

Nowadays, now that I know about things like depression and insomnia, I find that this might also work when you are feeling suicidal. Staying alive for the little things is okay. If you look in the mirror and want to end it all, try giving yourself a small reason to stay. It doesn't even have to be a good reason, like if you need to take this test because you've been studying forever and you couldn't spend that much time for nothing. I would normal give myself shorter periods of time, but longer is better.

I have no official reason to talk about this topic, just wanted to write something. I'm planning on posting something with the Rosie sibs (HRP) and maybe some art soon!
Bye-bye