22: you thought

163 6 10

by darluu-

by darluu-

Jimin POV

• Boys meet, and fall in love. They kiss, make up, and the end.

If you fucking thought this was the end, you're a dipshit. Depression and anxiety don't go away when you meet that "one person." Because people are the cause of it. All of that "love is medicine" shit isn't even close to being the truth. When you want to die, it doesn't just go away like that.

But yes, my heart still fluttered. Jungkook liked me. I liked him. We liked each other. But he was still trying to wrap his fucking head around being gay. About being him. That's why I asked him if he wanted to go further. He said no. I understand.

But do I?

All my emotions are muddled up. The world is corrupt. What can we lose? Our life? Even when we're clueless teens? I'm scared of death.

But I do want to die. I really do, and that sucks. Everything is coming together as on in big depressing blob that presses into your skin, making your blood fill with dark thoughts and suicide.

I don't know what I want or what I'll get of it. Maybe it's better like that. As they say, ignorance is bliss.

I look at the mirror inside our studio apartment, noting every flaw in my face. My jaw line, my blemishes. I don't understand how someone can love me.

Then I look at the sink and my bloody arms. I was cutting myself. I hate myself. It's simple, really. Easy math. No rocket science.

My head spins, ears ring. The walls are moving, and I stumble, but don't fall. The cold air from the air conditioning was all around me. I ask myself if I am on drugs. I try to wash my arms, because maybe that will erase the pain. But my eyes give out, and I only see darkness.

Something is going to happen, and it's not good.

Jungkook POV

• If you fucking thought this was the end, you're a dipshit. Depression and anxiety don't go away when you meet that "one person." Because people are the cause of it. All of that "love is medicine" shit isn't even close to being the truth. When you want to give up, it doesn't just go away like that.

Instead of feeling love or anything like that, I feel exhausted, and I just want to hibernate. Jimin told me about his depression, and it's sudden arrival. But maybe it wasn't so sudden. What if it was always there, from the start, but he never paid attention to it because he thought it was normal?

I worry for him too much.

The bed covers under me are soft and comfortable, and I scroll through Midi feed, trying to distract myself. That doesn't happen. So I look up aesthetic pictures for inspiration. Perhaps going outside will help.

I stride down the hall and rest my feet in my shoes, then open the creaky wooden door. There's a forest not too far from here, in the hotel.

I live in Seoul now, but I booked a few weeks in Busan after the fight with Jimin. I knew many things were here. Diverse and fun. Kind of like South Korea's New York. My Canon camera hung below my face, my hands securing it even though there was a strap. I took many pictures of people (they give permission, don't lose your tits), and life in general. The city smelled of dung since the population was insane, but it was beautiful. Not the dung, the city.

Aesthetic was written everything, and it was perfect. Well it would be,

only if this lump in my chest would go away.