Letters I Will Never Send You

Even

Even

I love you present tense,

Even though the skies are perpetually gray,

Even when the sun refuses to shine in the heavens,

Very unlike today,

Though cloudy, the sun continues to shine,

But also very unlike what I'm feeling now,

I want to cry and whine,

But I don't even know to explain how

I perceive what I see in front of me,

I want to close my eyes, but I just could and would not,

For my curious eyes open involuntarily,

Wanting to know what you're doing, albeit tears are hot.

I don't know what to think of your music,

Each beat and strum, floating to my ear,

A mixed sensation of pain, happiness, and doubt for myself in each lyric,

And "I don't need you. I've got her.", is all I can hear,

Shouldn't my feelings be a bit more intense?

But why am I feeling numb,

Numb to the point, that I feel like I'm one of the psychopathic heathens,

I feel so dumb,

Because I still have feelings for you,

Even when I shouldn't,

For I will always only be a friend, wait, maybe even nothing to you,

But hating you is the one thing I always wanted to do, but couldn't,

How do I even survive the pain of feeling nothing and everything all at once?

What should I do, let the numbness win, and succumb to apathy?

Or let Eros play with my feelings, and let him do what he wants,

And follow the shout of my heart, and let the victor be empathy?

My mind and heart are warring,

For me to stop or to continue,

Both of their thoughts and harrowing,

Leaving my entire personality black and blue,

Should I still listen to your stupid jokes,

And support you like a friend,

But you know what that invokes?

I already knew how this would end,

And I'm stupid not to act to what I foresee,

Never realizing that falling is hard,

Especially when you aren't made for me.

Gosh, I am such a pathetic bard.