100 Things

4

His teary eyes. I've never seen my brother cry before. He didn't cry mornful tears when I was diagnosed with cancer at fourteen. He didn't cry happy tears when I went into remission at fifteen. He didn't cry when I relapsed last month. But, he cries now.

Steven is crying as I tell him goodbye, because it is the last goodbye. I had asked my parents not to cry, so they don't, but I never for a second thought to ask my brother. Steven never cries. Until now.

He tells me to get to the hospital, that I'm being stupid, but I tell him that I've spent too much time there, even the thought of the white walls makes me feel sick. He cries some more and says that I am sick, that I need to go there because I am sick.

I don't think Steven cried before because he always believed that I'd live, but now that I tell him I'm not going to try anymore, he cries. He cries because I'm going to die, but I wish he wouldn't.

It makes me want to try and fight it again, but the doctors say that its unlikely that the chemotherapy will work a second time. So, they've given me a set of pills and injections, to keep me going. But it will only keep me going for two and a half months. Long enough to finish the list that I now grasp in my hands.

I walk up to Steven and hug him. He gives me the tightest hug he's ever given, and I cry. I cry because it's the last goodbye. I cry until I reach the airport, but when I get on the plane, I stop.

This trip is about happiness. My last happines. So I stop.

I slowly drifted into conciousness as my recurring dream ended. Ever since that moment when I left, I'd been dreaming about it. I kept my eyes closed, hoping to go back to sleep and actually get some rest. But, then I started thinking about my current situation, and I couldn't.

I felt fingers touch my cheek, as soft as a whisper, followed by a kiss in the same place, just as soft, "Please stop thinking, Liv." He must have seen my eyebrows creasing in frustration.

At that moment, my mind should've been filled with thoughts of crossants, eiffel towers and why french fries were called 'french' when the weren't even from France.

But, I wasn't thinking about that, I was thinking about the act of extreme selfishness that I committed when I ran through those lobby doors in New Zealand. I'd called Oli's name right as I he was about to get into the taxi, and when he turned to me, I'd kissed him with everything I had, and whispered, "Stay with me."

At that moment, I'd only been thinking about all the emotional pain I was in from having to leave him. I was thinking only of how being with him would make me immeasurably happy for the next month. I was thinking about how I may be in love with him.

But not for a second when I ran towards him, was I thinking about how broken he'd be when it was all over. How I'd have to see the same look that Steven had when I left, reflected in Oli's eyes. I was now though; it was the only thing I could think about. It was the only thought swarming around my head as I sat in that first class seat.

I turned my head and slowly opened my eyes to Oli's beautiful face right next to mine. His face was set in a frown, his eyebrows creased. I reached up and touched his lips, "If you knew what I know, you'd understand."

"So, tell me." He said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

I shook my head, "I can't. You knowing is what scares me. You can't know."

He moved his hand down my back to rest at the lower part and started rubbing circles, "Don't be scared, Liv. Don't be scared of anything."

I bit my lip, "I'm trying. I don't want to be scared or sad when I'm with you. Because I need to -"