melancholy | egd.

[ tw:// today ]

[ trigger warning: suicide attempt / blood ]
[ march 7 of 2018 - today ]
vivian | chapter six: broken.

VIVIAN FISHER could not amount to be able to explain how bad her depression had gotten. vivian had spent most of her afternoon being locked up in her room—or bathroom, depending if someone would catch her—curled up into a ball and letting everything out.

vivian sat on the grey tile flooring that laid out in her bathroom. her quiet sobs were the only sounds heard in the empty house, she often choked out sobs. the sounds of her sobs echoing frightened her, she couldn't believe such awful sounds were coming from her.

vivian's thoughts slowly started to overpower and start to eat her alive, she wanted nothing but for them to leave her alone. she's ugly she's not she's fat her body was okay she had a big forehead maybe she does her teeth look ...funny that's right! she dresses ugly, her smile is ugly, her legs are fat god why are she so hideous? this is why ethan talks to her, for him it's a charity work. a job well done for his ego no it's not he cares for her dearly lies! i know of course it's ri—!

"stop!" she yelled as she clutched her head in between her thighs. "please leave me alone..."

you know we're right, no one will ever love you. you could disappear and no one will notice; everyone knows this. please stop, that's not true. you've been ignoring them for a month now and they just noticed yesterday the distance, do you still believe you have much impact? they were busy! they are aspiring youtubers, i can't deter them away from their dreams. you can stop spreading non believable lies to make yourself feel better. you'll feel better once you accept the fact; i promise.

have you ever wondered what it's like to be ...dead? or if being dead would be better than alive? i mean you would've have to worry about hurting anyone by existing — like your mom. you being nothing but stress and disappointment to her. try to go away, you'll make her life better.

"you're right, god why are you right?" vivian asked herself, or the person in her mind that's ruling her life. "why does my life suck so bad? why am i even alive if i'm just going to be miserable?"

it's as if a sudden realization had just waved over her. it was like she had made up her mind, she would prefer to not be alive and handle such pain she deals with everyday. and a way to make that stop was taking her life, but who would find her? sadly her mom.

she opened the cabinet that hid behind a mirror and shoved around looking for any sort of a sharp object. she shuffled until she found a pink razor, she tried removing it by hand and ended up lightly scuffing her thumb. she proceeded to smashing it against the counter until a blade shattered out.

she firmly grasped the blade and looked at the exposed wrist. she slapped it, watching her skin turn a tint of pink and her veins pop out. she suddenly lost conscious, it was like someone had taken over her body and had done the most regretful thing: like the blade slowly dragging a line along her wrist. left to right on her left arm.

at first nothing happened, she started at it as if waiting for something to ...pop out. soon blood came gushing out, slow at first and then all at once. a stabbing pain joined it that caused her to collapse onto the floor. she laid back against the wall as she sobbed, she regretted it. this was the proof she needed that she valued her life enough to want to turn back time.

she wrapped her arm with a towel that laid on the toilet and fumbled with her phone that slid from her pocket. she struggled with dialing the emergency number and even cursed at her self as it became harder with the blood coating her screen. she pressed it against her ear after she succeeded in dialing it.

"hello?" she sniffed onto the speaker.

"nine-one-one, whats your emergency?" responded the operator.

"i'm sorry," cried vivian into the phone. "it was a mistake—i didn't actually want to do it! i just wanted to see if i was alive and-"

"ma'am, please take a breath and explain the situation. what's around you?"

"blood."

"who's?"

"mine."

"are you hurt?"

"yes."

"who hurt you?"

"myself."

"how much have you lost?"

"i don't know, it seems like a lot. i'm sitting in a pool of my own blood."

"okay, we have your location locked. we will send a local on duty ambulance to your house, please remain calm."

"okay." vivian voice quietly squeaked.

"they'll come in less than five minutes, i'll have to leave the line but please don't leave me." she softly spoke.

"okay."

"okay, sit tight."

vivian doesn't recall her eyes drifting close or the sound of the ambulance tearing up her neighborhood block. it was a blur, something she woke up once in a while to being transported different parts. she say the mouths of the doctors move but no words were heard or understood. all she could do was sit there and sob 'i didn't mean to!' whenever she was conscious enough.

her next awaken memory was riding behind the ambulance, she saw them try and stop the blood from flooding. seeing the amount of blood pouring through the bandages that coated her arm. her next memory was the doctors bustling around her and carting her to the ER.

she slowly open her eyes to see her mom worriedly looking at her daughter, wrinkling presses against her forehead. she jolted upwards when she saw her daughter's brown eyes looking back at her. "thank you're okay, you have me worried for a second."

"i'm sorry mommy." she quietly apologized.

"it's okay baby." she reassured, she stroked vivian's face. "ethan and grayson came to visit twice but they haven't been allow through because they aren't family. but that didn't stop them from constantly checking up on you and bringing you flowers, i gotta say you have the best friends ever. they really care for you."

"i know that now."