Depression:
Suicidal
(Don't rlly have a plan. But I collect knives and I have pills that help me sleep and if I could get away with it I wouldn't eat so there's three ways right there)
Cutter
(It doesn't ever bleed so idk if it counts) but I need it to hurt
Hating to hurt (most) other people but wanting to talk abt myself all the time
Afraid of the therapists
No safe place
I'm not safe for other people
Just broke up but wanna date again just so I'll have someone to hold me and I feel really guilty and selfish
At this school I'm so new I doubt anyone would miss me if I was gone. If I do kill myself at some point I hope they don't make a public announcement abt it
Eating Disorder:
EDNOS
"Recovering"
I eat everyday and hate myself after
If it's bad I wanna throw up after but I never have
It's ok rn I guess. Just eating smaller portions usually makes it ok.
Body Dysmorphia
Sex:
Unsure of gender identity
Unsure of sexual orientation
Very afraid of being taken advantage of
Hate being touched
Can't tell when turned on so maybe asexual
Belly kink
Pain kink
Gay is better
Ashamed of everything I do
Virgin
Anxiety:
General Anxiety Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Kind of enjoy public speaking
Stress about everything
Angry or tearful outbursts if in public (meaning house. Never happens at school or other place except for quiet serious demeanor and crying quietly if it's bad)
Alone cry and try to text or just sleep or cut
Worried that everyone hates me and I'll never be loved
Try to hide all the time bc afraid of being judged bc I'm different than my family so I get in trouble bc my passions and who I am goes against them
Main Triggers (A):
Sister
Stress (buildup of school work and chores and social interaction)
Gma (used to live with us)
Religion (speaking about and going to religious functions. Ppl trying to convert me)
Ppl never understanding what's happening to me. Saying I can just fix it if I try but I don't have time and I'm too tired.
Noise (Hard for me to concentrate bc of the static in my head)
Extremely Self Aware:
Ik everything I get upset about is dumb and I feel stupid talking about it
Family is vv religious. I'm pretty much not.
I wish I could just go to sleep and not have to wake up
Ik I have friends and ppl care about me but I feel alone, like no one understands or cares. They're just busy but I feel like no one has time for me.
I'm always trying to be good and follow the rules but it seems like i get in trouble and "yelled at" all the time
Afraid I'm just another privileged skinny white cis girl that thinks she has a bunch of problems and ppl will make fun of me if they find out
I don't want ppl to get to close to me bc I always end up hurting the ppl I care abt
Misc:
Dress fancy when I'm upset
Everything I wear symbolizes something
I'm an artist at heart
Hate the way I look when I'm pretty
Bad at flirting
Defensive
Often abusive physically, usually in a play manner, generally means I don't want u to touch me or I'm upset
Music is extremely helpful to calm me down
I need time to 'decelerate' periodically which ppl consider wasting time or being lazy but i need it to function
I'm a very dark person even if I seem bubbly
Generally I'm ok, numb, or really bad ('fine') but I'll always say good
