Last year I sat in a chair. I was stuck in a really bad place. I didn't eat, cut myself, fantasized about purging and dual suicide. My boyfriend was in a similar position. I broke up with him in November, a few days after our seven month anniversary. At first It was relief, like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Obviously there was the after breakup emotions and some additional worries.but eventually I was ok. I was now standing. Things seemed to be going well. I get stressed easily but I'm making more friends. I got into a play but I had to drop because I kept getting sick. I started trying to figure out flirting. One target left and the other stayed. I laugh. But I can't feel anything. I'm emotionally distant. It's like I'm not attached to the feelings sensor. I'm standing up but it's like a baby doing it for the first time, or being really dizzy. If I let myself feel, if I opened up, maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could fly. But I'm so, so afraid that I'll sit down again. Sitting is so much easier, you know.you can just lay back and relax and not have to care about anything. You can slowly fade out of existence believing nobody notices you. You can come to a peaceful end. It's a trap I know. Things keep pushing me, trying to make me fall. I have to not cut. I have to not cry. I have to eat. I hate it. But I'm too afraid of what will happen if I sit down again. I wonder if maybe I already have and I'm just tricking myself into believing I haven't. If not expressing myself makes it worse. I don't know. But someday, I'd really like to fly.
