ANATOMY OF A GIRL

part nineteen

The classroom was brimming with mismatched conversations and outcries. It was for this reason that Thorn's arrival was so apparent. As he walked into the room, voices tapered off, as if their mouths were sewn shut, and a hush settled over the class.

Everyone knew now that he'd turned himself in to the police. But seeing him now, Sapphire knew he must have been released due to a lack of evidence. She felt relieved at that realisation, because maybe it meant they had found another suspect and Thorn was innocent — in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Something felt utterly wrong about the whole situation. There was something in the air, something Sapphire was choking on. Even if she wanted to talk, she couldn't. As if something was wrapped around her neck, slowly tightening, or something heavy was lodged in her throat.

Thorn seemed oblivious to the stares as he took the only empty seat left beside her.

"You're out, I see," she said, quiet enough for Thorn's ears only.

He turned to face her, his face dim. "I don't want to hear it, Sapphire. I don't want to hear that I shouldn't have called the police, that I should have listened to you and been a good little murderer. I did the right thing, okay?" he said, breathing out deeply. "I killed her. There isn't any other explanation. I know I did. And I wasn't going to pretend I hadn't."

She nodded once, looking around to make sure no one was listening in. "Okay, fine. I won't tell you about how innocent I think you are. And I won't lie to you and tell you that I understand what you're feeling, because I don't. I have no idea what it feels like to have that guilt eat away at you," she said, though it was a lie. She did know what it was like. She'd experienced it first-hand — the acid in her gut and the nightmares that never left, so closely knit to her that they had begun to feel like a fifth limb. "But I will tell you that I'm glad you're out," she said, smiling gently.

He nodded in acknowledgment. "Thanks. I am, too, really. As guilty as I feel, I don't know how much more time I could've spent in there."

At that point, the teacher finally made his entrance, and began the lesson.

Sapphire, of course, couldn't focus. Not with so much happening. She was confused as to why the school continued with lessons anyway, considering all that had happening. Perhaps it provided a sense of normalcy. Perhaps it was just ignorant and cruel.

But above all, she couldn't stop thinking about Thorn — wanting to do more for him, just as she was trying to do for Arlo with little success.  Beside her frustration with herself, she found herself angry at the police for dismissing Arlo's death as a suicide. Her only hope lay in the fact that they couldn't dismiss Hana's case as a suicide. How would she pierce herself with glass shards?

She thought about it all while she sat in the notably uncomfortable chair. There were many things she hated — many that made her deeply angry. She'd learned that her passions were often the harmful kind, unfortunately. The kind that slit her throat and burned her trembling body. Her thoughts were a slow, unforgiving killer. It would happen from the inside out, like some kind of angry toxin that broke bones, burst arteries and left her blood acidic. Withering passions and violent thoughts consumed her.

Hate and anger. Those were two emotions she'd never hidden. A long time ago, she started to believe that they made her stronger. She knew better now.

*

When Sapphire told Ayden about what she'd seen the day before — about Hana's body and Thorn's unwavering belief that he'd killed her, Ayden wasn't sure what to think. It took him a moment to let it sink in — an unnoticeable second of time, which to him felt like an everlasting era of weakness.