Fearless part 2

Chapter 4

Jc's POV

"I-I don't know Jc," Jenn said over the phone.

Jenn and I have talked on the phone every day since my fight with Brittney's. She kept me updated with Brittney's latest episodes. Jenn says her nightmares happen every day and that she's in some sort of depression state. I wish I could go see her, but every time Jenn talks about me Brittney gets mad and starts yelling again. That or she cries. I wish I could hold her in my arms and comfort her when she's having her nightmares or one of her breakdowns, but she doesn't want to see me. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

"Come on Jenn," I pleaded. Tears filled my eyes. "I haven't seen her in over a month. I-I need to see her...please."

She didn't say anything. I could hear her breathing, but she didn't speak.

"Jenn, she's the love of my life. I need to see her." My voice was shaky.

"I don't know, Jc. I think she just needs more time before she-"

"More time for what?!" I yelled. "More time from me? Her boyfriend? How could more time from me possibly make things better?! More time isn't going to bring it back! Our baby died, Jenn. There's nothing we can do to fix that."

"I know Jc but-"

"No you don't! I need to be there for her, to comfort her when she's sad, to help her through these hard times. That's my job. That's what a good boyfriend is supposed to do."

I know I shouldn't be yelling at Jenn, but I'm just so angry. I don't understand how Brittney can live without seeing me for a month. I don't see how someone who claims to love you could go this long without a call, text or any form of communication. But that's what scares me the most. Maybe....maybe she doesn't love me anymore and that's why she doesn't want to see me. Maybe she's so focused on how she lost the baby that she’s fallen out of love with me. Maybe because she's so wrapped up in her problems she doesn't have the heart to tell me that she doesn't want to see me anymore, that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, that she doesn't love me anymore.

"I'm sorry, Jc. I have to go."

"No, Jenn. Please, I'm sorry. I just-"

But she hung up.

I took my phone from my ear and watched the call end and change to my lock screen, a picture of Brittney and I. We were standing together in a hallway at our hotel in Florida. We were holding hands. I was looking at her and smiling. Brittney's head was thrown back in laughter. She looks so adorable when she laughs. I can't remember the last time I saw her laugh...This was one of the first pictures taken of us at Playlist. Ricky caught us and started taking pictures of us without us knowing. I think that's why I love it so much. It's not fake or staged. It's real. This was before we got together, but you can tell by the way I'm looking at her and by the way she has her hand on my chest that we loved each other.

I lock my phone and put it down because I can't bear to look at us happy any longer. I fear that we may never be there again.

Before I walk out of my room I look in my mirror. My eyes are a little red and puffy from crying. I quickly walk down the hall to the bathroom and splash some cold water in my face. I look at the mirror again and it seems to have helped a little bit, but you can still tell that I was crying.

"Who cares." I say and walk out of the bathroom.

I walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. Kian and Ricky are in the living room playing Mario Kart.

"Hey man, how's Brittney doin’?" Kian yells over the tv.

Ricky pauses the game and they both look at me. I try to smile as I pull my glass of water from my face but I can't.

"Oh no." Ricky says standing up and walking over to me. "Jc, what happened?"

I don't say anything. I just stand there staring out the kitchen window trying to hold back the tears, but I can't. My emotions get the best of me and I start crying. Ricky leads me to the couch and he sits me down in between Kian and himself.

“It’s ok,” Kian says while rubbing my back “Let it out.”

I know it’s not manly to cry and usually the guys would tease me about it, but they’ve seen me cry a lot these past few weeks. I don’t think I’ve gone a day without crying since my fight with Brittney, but the boys have always been here for me.

After I stopped crying enough to where I could talk I explained to them what had happened.

“So what do you think is going to happen with your relationship?” Ricky asks.

“I don’t even know what to think. Part of me wants nothing more than to be with her. I would do anything to make things go back to how they were, but... I don’t think we will ever be the same again.” I say. “But then there’s another part of me that wants to start over and just forget this whole thing ever happened.”

“Start over with Brittney or… with another girl?” Kian asks.

He’s right. What do I mean ‘start over?’ Do I want to start knew with Brittney? Well of course I do. I love her, but would she want to start new with me? I guess that’s the deciding factor here.

“I would love to start over with her, but I don’t think she can move on past this baby. I mean, I loved this baby, but we have to move on…together if we can, but I don’t know what she wants yet.”

“Yeah. It’s hard man. You have a tough decision ahead of you.” Ricky says.

We all stand up and they both give me a hug.

“You gonna be ok?” Kian asks as he lets me go.

I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know…I love her, but I don’t think she could say the same anymore. I- I just need to find out where she stands. And soon.”

The sooner I figure out if she loves me or not, the sooner I can make this better or move on. The only problem is…I’m not sure which one I really want.