Heart Condition

Chapter Twenty: Pact

Sasha stood at the edge of the Marina, and I was fairly certain if he didn’t say something in the next thirty seconds, I’d explode violently in a shower of blue and white confetti, and there would be cosmic radiation in my shoes.

            So finally, I did.

            “Does this mean I’m in a really bad version of ‘She’s All That’?” I asked, turning toward him, “Am I your Laney?”

            He protested and took a step toward me, “No. Absolutely not.” I could tell from the way his voice sounded; there was hurt in it. Sadness.

            I wanted so badly to close the gap between us. But I just found myself asking, “How can I believe you?”

            He remained silent, but our eyes never left each other. The salt in the air made my head spin, and I wondered if I jumped off the pier, if it would make this moment just end. Could I kill this night? Stab it in it’s smug face and blot out the nagging voice mocking ‘It’s a trap! It’s a trap!’ it sounded too much like Admiral Ackbar.

             Moving closer, he asked, “Can I hold you hand? I really…really need to hold your hand right now.”

            “Fine.” I whispered, extending my arm and feeling the familiar warmth of his hand on mine.

            He looked at me, trying to smile “I really…I honestly thought that it would be less complicated than this.” He looked down the shoreline, and I could see the Bay Bridge lit up in the vacant night.

            There was silence. There was one question, just the one that I could bring myself to ask him.

            “What…What do you want to do?” I asked, trying to straighten it all out “What was your goal here?”

            “There wasn’t one.” He said easily, “I told you, I haven’t had a plan for…months. And you weren’t, I mean, you were part of my list.”

            I stared, “You have a list?”

            “My thrill-attempt list.”

            “I was a…”

            “Because I never would have gotten myself to talk to you otherwise.”

            I hesitated; why would he need to put that on his list? Sasha had more friends than I could count. He knew every person inside at that party, and those were just the upperclassmen.

            “You’re ludicrous.” I said softly, “Why don’t you go back in there and just…pick up some junior girl who actually knows what she’s doing? Or better yet, hook up with Cora. I’m sure she’d be more than happy to help you cross that off your list.”

            He pulled me closer, “Because. You’re missing the point.”

            “What?” I demanded.

            “It wasn’t about sex.” He said, shaking his head “Not when it came to you. Never you.”

            My mind was reeling; he was a virgin, but he wanted to sleep with me. But he didn’t want to sleep with me, because everyone thought he wanted to sleep with me.

            I looked up, “Sasha, you know I hate the vague. Tell me whatever it is you want to tell me so I know if I should walk away or stick around.”