Heart Condition

Chapter Twenty-Nine: I'll Take Care of You

Sasha kissed my forehead, sitting at the edge of the bed.
            “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep in the bigger room with me?” He asked, holding my hand.
            I moved my head slowly, burying myself deeper into the sheets. My head felt cloudy when I said, “I’m sorry I was such a mess tonight.”
            He smiled, “Don’t worry about it, Little Bird. You’re okay now, and I’m here if you need anything.”
            “Okay.” I said, his hand in my hair. I loved when he did that: running his fingers through my hair and sending this inexplicable warmth through my body.
            He kissed me, and I watched him walk out of the room, leaving the door open just enough that I could see the outlines of the furniture in the small family room.
            Thinking back on my day, ending up back here, I rolled over. It had been so long, and my mind was flitted back to the conversations in Pre-Cal. I closed my eyes, forcing the noise out of my head; What if he never went back to lacrosse? What if he blew his chances of going to a really good college, where he could go into graphic design or computer programming? It wasn’t impossible for him to receive an academic scholarship; there was a reason he could TA in classes during what would have been his math period, or a weight-training hour. He’d tested out of every math class on campus, so he went to the science school with Joy.
            I didn’t want to tell Sasha, but it would bother me if I didn’t. We promised. We’d made a deal, and I wasn’t going to back out on it now. Rolling my way out of bed, I opened the door to the bedroom, and slipped down the hallway.
            Softly, I knocked on the heavy doors. I couldn’t hear him walk across the soft carpet, but when he turned the weighted handle, my eyes traced the outline of his entire body into my memory.
            He stood in his pajama pants (sans shirt, über sexy) and asked, “What’s wrong? What happened?”
            I grabbed his hand, and we walked through the dining room and into the parlor.

            He struck the match easily, catching the small piece of starter logs on fire before they began to irritate the others. Sitting cross-legged on the fluffy carpet, I waited for him to return to his spot across from me. He’d decided to put on, to my disappointment, a heather-gray t-shirt that fit loosely.
            “What is it?” He asked softly, “What’s wrong?”

            I said, “You never told me what happens when someone leaves a sport; like what happens with their rankings?”
            He gave me a look of frustration, “Would you stop?”
            “But Sasha…”
            “Abbie, I mean it. Stop.”
            “Why?” I asked, my face warm, “Because you won’t even try now? Because I…I keep putting this wedge between you and what I know you’re good at?”
            He smacked his hand on the floor, “No. Don’t do that; don’t make it about something you did or didn’t do. This was my choice, okay? Mine. You…” But he stopped.
            I prompted, “I what?”
            “You were a factor,” said Sasha, reaching for my hand, “You were a factor, but you weren’t the only one. I thought about you; of course I thought about you. But I knew what I was doing when I walked away.”

            I moved a little closer, “I just want you to be happy. I want you to have everything, whatever you need. And if that includes me, awesome; if it doesn’t, then I’ll deal.”
            Falling back, I rested on the soft carpet. My head felt heavy, my eyes causing a kaleidoscope of orange and yellow to spin over my head. I had to keep breathing, even though my heart went crazy when we were together.
            Ever since Sasha came into my room that night, my pulse had been erratic. I’d think of him, and invisible jumper cables would jolt my heart into uncontrollable rates. And now, it was the worse it had ever been.
            His fingers traced slowly across my cheek, down my neck, and against my chest. I was speechless, and I couldn’t stop shaking.
            “You’re okay, Little Bird.” Sasha’s tremulous voice knotted my stomach, his face moving just a little bit closer “You’re fine. You’re…”
            He kissed me, his thumb brushing my bottom lip. My mouth parted, and the weakness in my body sent me into a new level of shock. I couldn’t control anything, not anymore.
            I started to cry, my tears trailing down and spilling against our lips. Sasha’s hands reached for my arms, and pulled me into his lap. My arms circled his neck, and my legs wound around his waist. I buried my face in the curve of his neck, and I could feel him breathe.
            “I’m here.” He whispered, and it destroyed me that he was hurting as much as I was. He just kept saying what he’d told me in the car: “I’m scared, too. I know, I’m scared, too.”
            I couldn’t open my eyes. I choked, “What if I’m not better in the morning?”
            He rubbed circles on my back, speaking so softly “I’ll drive you home. I’ll take you to Stanford, and they’ll make you better. I’ll make it all better.”

            The kissing lasted until I began to fall asleep. Sasha carried me back to the violet room, walking to the bathroom and making me a compress. Slowly, he brushed my skin with the warm water, and watched me carefully.
            “I wish I could take it away.” He said, “Seeing you like this makes me feel so useless.”
            I tried to smile, “You’re not useless. You’re doing everything right. I’m just so tired.”
            He rested his head beside mine, and I began to drift in and out of sleep. Every time I woke up, I could hear Sasha whispering things in my ear, chasing away the toxic forces in my head, hoping it could heal my heart.
            “Keep her safe. Please keep her safe.”
            “Just breathe. Just keep breathing.”
            “Please don’t give up. I just found you, and I’m not ready to let go yet. We have so much left to do, Little Bird.”

            I wanted to do everything with Sasha.

            I couldn’t get out of bed. Or maybe I just didn’t want to; I couldn’t be sure.
            Part of me wanted to go outside, because the snow was starting to fall. Sasha and I sat under the covers and watched the flurries, cuddled up close together.
            “Everyone should be here tonight.” He said, “How are you feeling?”
            I looked out the window, “Better, I think. Will you grab my medicine out of my bag?”
            Sasha hopped out of bed, and grabbed my tiny orange bottles. He popped off the tops, pouring the pills into his hand and picking up my glass from the bedside table. I pressed the pills through my lips, and felt him rub my back while the pills moved slowly down my throat.
            He asked nervously, “Do you want to see the doctor today? I can drive you to Oakhurst. It’s just over half an hour.”
            I shook my head, “I want to wait until everyone gets here. That’s what this whole weekend’s been about, right?”
            “This weekend was about you, goofy girl.”
            Yanking off the covers, I tried to stand, my legs feeling weak and a little bit woozy. Sasha followed, his hands hovering over my arms as I walked toward the kitchen.
            He kissed my cheek, “Bath?”
            I nodded, and he left alone to make coffee in silence. I glanced out the window, and began to think; on the counter was my phone, and I should probably call Mom or Daniel. It was just after nine a.m. and we needed to get a move on if we wanted food to be ready by the time everyone got there.
            I walked over, grabbing my phone off of the counter and walked to my day bag; pulling out my tiny dock, I plugged my phone in and tried to find something to calm me down.
            Yanking the fridge open, I grabbed the carton of eggs and the cheese we’d brought up. I hovered over the stove, the music sending me away from the dull ache in my back.
            Sasha returned, and leaned against the counter. Slowly, I turned to grab some of the onion I chopped. Sasha’s hands found my wrists, and pulled me toward him carefully; the music began to drown out everything.
            It was a dream. Away we drifted, turning circles across the wood floor while the snow fell into the pond. The piano played through my bones, the strings plucking at my ribcage. I was in the trees, running through the acres of trees that surrounded us. I could breathe here, the air tasting sweeter than the icy water that poured out of the sink
            Sasha tied me to him, an arm around my waist and the other against my neck. He pressed his forehead to mine.
            “You scared me last night.” He said softly, “You know that, right?”
            I nodded, “I’m sorry.”
            “I kept thinking about what would happen if you didn’t wake up.” He turned me, my back against his chest, “What would I do without my Abbie?”
            Closing my eyes, I remembered this moment. I locked it away: the snow, the song, Sasha’s cheek against my neck, his lips on my shoulder.
            “I’m not going to die, Sasha.” I forced out a breathy laugh, “At least not yet. I’ve got time. More time than you can believe.”
            He chuckled, “Is that so?” He lifted me up into his arms, spinning me around in his arms.
            “We’ll be like one of your mom’s movies, or a paperback romance.” I said, smiling “I’ll be your Jamie. You can be my Landon.”
            “You have to tell me sooner than she does.” demanded Sasha “I can’t fall in love with you when you only have months left. I won’t do that.”
            I kissed his cheek, “I promise.”
            There was loud beep, and I jumped. Sasha laughed, letting go of my hand and walking toward the door.
            “They’re here.” He smiled.