Deadpan - Bennoda

Chapter Eight

I was hurt, emotionally and physically. From the moment Sage and Mike set me down on the black couch in my apartment, a stress headache has been slowly forming and is now making me cringe internally as I still couldn't move or speak from the drug that I feared may never wear off. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sob my heart out, instead of having to settle with silent tears while laying openly on my couch. My body was sore from the damage the stranger did and I couldn't wait to take a scolding hot shower to try and rid myself of any evidence of that man. 

Apart of me wanted to turn the guy in for what he did, so he couldn't hurt anyone, but the feeling turns to fear and the fear makes me think he was freaked out from getting caught by Mike and Sage that he wouldn't do it again, but that turns to guilt as I had a feeling I wasn't the first person the stranger had attacked, so I probably won't be his last. I was also still shaken by the fact that he knew who I was and that it would probably be very easy to find me with the media consistently reporting on the band. I don't want to have to go to the police and tell them about what happened. If they caught him, they'd ask me to press charges and it could turn into a whole court case that would result in me seeing that creep and my anxiety would flourish. 

I was going to get checked for STDs, like Sage said. I didn't want to wait to find out, but I didn't want to go straight away, in case they see I was just recently hurt and suggest they overlook me. It would be pointless to go in for the violation anyway, I was sore, but the physical pain would go away and even if I wanted to catch this guy, he didn't finish, therefore they wouldn't be able to find out who he is. I feel helpless and lost, unsure of my next move, though I can't actually move because of these drugs that are making me want to lose my mind from not being able to do anything. I hate being so defenseless, so vulnerable. 

"I'll be right back, I'm going to go get us some stuff since we'll probably be here all night," Sage said to Mike, the first thing either of them had said since we got to my apartment. Mike simply nodded, seeming to have lost his voice, as Sage kneeled in front of me, turning my head so I could see him better instead of straining my eyes in his direction. "I'll be back, I promise. I love you so much and I'm so so sorry this happened."

I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault, but I still couldn't speak. He seemed to understand though and kissed my forehead before leaving the apartment. He had kissed where my head was hurting from the headache, but it started to go away after he kissed me. I could still feel the warmth from his lips as Mike finally spoke.

"This is all our fault, I'm so sorry," Mike's voice dripped with pain and guilt as he began talking. "If we weren't so far up our own asses, we would've noticed that guy drug you and this wouldn't have happened. If we had just stopped arguing for one minute-"

He started crying and it broke my heart. The tears in his eyes wouldn't stop coming as he looked at me with so much grief behind his eyes that made it difficult to look into them. I didn't want him to cry, I didn't blame either of them, it wasn't anyone's fault besides the man who did this.

"...It's not your fault," I finally found my voice, which was horse, but I was glad for the timing as Mike needed to be reassured probably more than I did. I sat up more on the couch, grateful that I could finally move again. "Please... don't blame yourself."

"How can I not? If we weren't arguing, you wouldn't have went anywhere by yourself. You can't deny the fact that this wouldn't have happened if we weren't fighting. It is our fault, especially mine. I just couldn't stop laying it out on Sage, I was being overly protective of you from him, but he wasn't who I needed to protect you from," He was still crying. "It's all my fault, Chester, I'm so sorry. This wouldn't have happened if I just stopped."

"Mike, please stop blaming yourself," I pleaded with him, but he shook his head. 

"No, you don't understand. Sage was trying to be nice to me after you left, but I just assumed he wanted you for purposes other than love, I can't see anyone other than me loving you like that, so I kept pushing him, trying to intimidate him, but he wasn't who I should've been focusing on. I should've kept a closer eye on you, this is all my fault," He sobbed and though I felt weak yet from the drugs, I pulled him close to me and wrapped my arms around him. 

"Mike, it's not your fault. I didn't know this was going to happen, so how could you? If I was in your spot and you had an ex turn back up who wanted you back, I'd be just as sour - if not more so - towards them than you've been towards Sage. It's okay, Mike, it could've been a lot worse," I admitted and he sighed heavily, trying to stop himself from crying. 

"Sage is a good guy, Chester. Maybe you should be with him, maybe then you won't get hurt again, maybe he can protect you because I guess I can't," Mike said in the softest tone I'd ever heard him use, I was surprised I heard him at all. 

"Mike, please don't say that-"

"He'd be much better for you than me, I let this happen to you, how could I be so stupid?"

"Mike, please-"

"It's my fault, this is all my fault. I'm so stu-"

"Mike, shut up!" I interrupted him since he kept doing it to me and he inhaled sharply before slowly exhaling through his nose. I made sure he was listening. "Mike, I love you and it kills me to hear you say such things about yourself."

"But you love Sage too," He pointed out and I felt like I couldn't win. 

"I do, I love both of you and it sucks because I know I can't be with both of you," I sighed and Mike wrapped an arm around me. 

"I know, I know. It sucks, it really does. You don't deserve to be stuck in the middle like this or suffer from the hands of that fucking stranger," He groaned to himself at the memory of what happened behind the bar. "Because of that, I think you should be with Sage."

"Mike..." Tears started filling my eyes, I didn't want him to say that, I loved him. I couldn't bare the thought of losing him. 

"I love you so much, but this is what's best for you and that's all that matters," He hugged me tightly as if it'd be his last. Even if I did decide he was right and stayed with Sage for now, I would never stop hugging Mike or loving him. He held me until Sage came back, who seemed confused at the sight of Mike and I death gripping each other. "I'm so sorry, Chaz, I love you so much. Bye."

"Mike, wait," I tried to call him back, but he left my apartment without another word. I broke down, my heart feeling so broken that I hardly remembered all of the events that happened today. Sage went to my side and tried asking me what happened while he was gone, but I couldn't bring myself to speak, so I tugged him close and let his warm arms surround me, trying to feel some sense of comfort after so much distress.