Deadpan - Bennoda

Chapter Nine

Sage let me rest in his arms for a long time while I thought over everything that's been happening lately, trying to wrap my mind around everything. Everything feels surreal to me. Not only did my ex that I still loved came back into my life, but he'd met my best friend who admitted his love for me, and then a stranger drugged me and took advantage of me until they came to 'save the day'. How could this all happen at once? What is the probability?

"Chaz, we've been sitting here for two hours, can you tell me what happened while I was gone?" He asked as gently as he could and I couldn't believe it'd been two hours, it felt much longer. I had been sitting on his lap and decided to sit next to him if we were going to have his conversation. He deserved to know the truth, that Mike thinks he'd be better for me, but I don't know how Sage would feel about me not directly picking him over Mike. I wasn't even sure if I really wanted to be with him. Mike may blame himself, but I don't and his guilt isn't going to prevent me from being in love with him.

"Mike felt guilty about what happened, you know... behind the bar," I dared not to say the word. "And he said it was his fault you two kept going at it and that's why the stranger got to me unnoticed. He said I'd be better off with you."

"It's not just his fault, it's mine too," He said softly and he put an arm over my shoulders as a sense of guilt and reassurance in the gesture. "He might have started it, but I certainly carried it through. I wasn't going to do that, but I was so sure that once I met him, I would know that I was better for you, I assumed I was, I never pictured you with anyone else. I was wrong, I got defensive and scared that I was going to lose you because honestly, I'm not sure if I'm better for you than he is, so it's not just his fault."

"It's neither of your faults, you're both idiots if you don't see that. How would anyone know this was going to happen?" I was irritated by Sage and Mike's guilt. I learned a long time ago to never blame yourself for things you didn't ask for. I could blame myself for being stupid enough to drink out of my glass after the stranger made me turn away, but I didn't know, so it couldn't be my fault. If it wasn't mine, than there's no way it could be Mike's or Sage's.

"You're right, but you have to see it from our perspective," His tone was still gentle, though I had sounded angry. He made it so hard not to love him. "We see ourselves as responsible for you because we love you to an extent that makes us think we have to protect you no matter what and that if anything were to happen to you, it'd be our faults because we weren't on lookout."

"You guys don't need to protect me, I'm an adult," I huffed bitterly, wanting independence and not protection. Sage still remained calm and collective, even though I was getting a bit rude towards him. I wondered if I was getting so angry at him because a part of me thinks Mike is right and he's perfect for me, but the other side of me thinks I should be with Mike right now and not Sage. Confusion was becoming anger and I tried to not let it take control of my emotions once I realized. 

"Chaz, it doesn't matter if you're an adult. Everyone needs a bit of protection, don't you think? We just care about you so deeply, it hurts us when you're hurt," He described the way he and Mike were feeling to try and help me understand better, which I believed I was. I understood because if anything like this were to happen to either Mike or Sage, I wouldn't be able to take it. "I love you so much, Chester."

"Why do you love me?" I asked curiously, wanting to know how he could love me when he was so amazing himself. He was always so loving and calm, I never understood why he put up with me, who could easily get angered or emotional. He seems somewhat fazed by my question, an expression crossing his face that said 'how-don't-you-already-know?', he seemed shocked. 

"Oh, Chester, I feel like we've gone over this again and again," Sage smiled and looked to me with those deep blue eyes that sent chills down my spine. I wondered why he had to be so fucking charming and perfect because half of me just really wanted to be with Mike at the moment. "You're like the yin to my yang, you know? You're everything I'm not and yet everything I love bundled up into one, little, adorable person. You bring out the best in me and I know I do the same for you - at least, for the most part. You make me see things from a different point of view, you give me the sense of passion, emotion, just feeling in general. I've never felt such things, just the dullness of life. In a weird way of saying it, you bring life into my life, you're the source of everything that makes me feel alive. That's why I love you."

"I wish things weren't so difficult right now," I sighed, blushing intensely from his answer. "I hate how much I want to kiss you because I'll hate feeling like I'm hurting Mike."

"He has his reasons for loving you too, Chester, you probably give him a sense of life too," Sage chuckled with a wide smile. "How could anyone not feel alive while in your presence?"

"Shut up," I blushed deeper and it hurt how much I wanted to just reach out and actually be with Sage, but also Mike. 

"Oh, I've been wanting to show you something since I came here, but things have been a little hectic," He smiled again. "I'm actually surprised you didn't notice."

"What?" I asked, confused, and he turned to show me the rose tattoo on the back of his neck. I remembered seeing he had added a word above the rose, but I couldn't read it, until now. It was my name and I found myself blushing even deeper than before, if it was possible. He turned back around to see my expression. "Why did you do that? What if you wake up one day and realize you don't love me anymore like when we were together?"

"I..." He was clearly hurt by the reminder of him breaking my heart. He quickly regrouped himself and remained collected. "I admit, when we broke up, I thought I didn't love you anymore, but then, I realized how much I still admired you as a person, adored, actually, would be the right word. I didn't realize how much I actually loved you until I heard you singing over the radio, but before that I knew that even if I never loved you again or even if you didn't take me back if I realized I still had feelings, I'd love a reminder that you exist. You really changed my life and I wanted to show my gratitude towards you through body art."

"When did you get it done?" I asked, not quite knowing what to think. I was humbled, I didn't think I was worthy enough to be tattooed on Sage. It was a sweet gesture, I just hoped things between us didn't go south and he's stuck with a tattoo of my name.

"Honestly? The day after I broke up with you," He admitted, a blush of his own crossing his cheeks. "I figured we never fought anyway, so there wouldn't be a chance of us hating each other... Right? Did you ever hate me? For what I did?"

"Hate? No. Angry? Yes, of course, I loved you," I reassured him and he nodded understandingly. 

"I felt horrible for just breaking up with you like that, especially a week before your birthday... I'm such an asshole," He sighed and I let my arm hang around his shoulders as his left mine and went to wrap around my waist. "And it was out of nowhere, I never gave any signs that it was going to happen, I just hit you with it out of nowhere. I felt horrible because you acted so mature when I told you. I honestly thought you were going to yell or get angry because I didn't prepare you for it."

"I couldn't bring myself to be angry in the moment, I just wanted what was best for you," I admitted and he gave me a weak smile. 

"You have the biggest heart, Chaz," He showed off his sharp canine teeth that I had always been deeply attracted to. I wanted to kiss him, but I also want to kiss Mike. Why can't I just be with both of them? It'd make life so much simpler. It seemed Sage was having the same desires as I was, "I wish I could kiss you, but I don't want you to feel bad about Mike."

"He already feels so guilty about what happened, I don't want to add more pressure to that," I said, even though Mike had basically told me to just be with Sage. I hated this situation because I was so in love with both of them and they were both equally in love with me in return, but despised one another. I wouldn't even be able to pitch the idea of them sharing me, I bet that had never been a thought that crossed their minds. Hell, I'd even be down for a three-way relationship if that could put a stop to all this madness, but they really don't like each other and were only being civil for a little bit because I was hurt.

"I understand," He reassured me and smiled, tugging me by the waist to sit a bit closer to him, our lets touching. "I think you should talk to him. I don't want him to feel guilty either. It really... it fucked me up feeling so guilty about what happened, so I know what he's going through. You talked me out of feeling guilty, so you'll just have to repeat that on him."

"I thought you didn't like him," I pointed out and he shrugged. 

"I don't, but that's just because he's probably as perfect for you as I am," His smile turned into one that was clearly masking pain. "I always thought it was supposed to be you and me, you know? From the moment I saw your deep brown eyes, I just assumed we'd be together forever."

Something snapped. I pushed him onto the floor and kissed him. I felt horrible for doing this to Mike, but I couldn't resist Sage's words, especially since he fell in love with me when he looked me in the eyes, the same time I fell in love with him. Fuck.