She Gave up

Two.

“The world is not a wish-granting factory." - The Fault In Our Stars.

~~~~

I was sick of it - I was sick of hearing my parents talk about me in hushed tones.

"She hasn't spoken to anyone in a week!" My mother argued.

My father simply sighed "Let her be Elisa. She'll be fine."

His words echoed in my mind - ' She'll be fine'

Will I? 

The next morning, I made my way to school like nothing happened.

Like my best friend didn't just die a week ago.

School has been closed the whole week, due to some reparations they were forced to do - I remember we were all so happy with the news.

"This week is going to be amazing!" My best friend said.

Was this your version of amazing Amy? Because to me, it was more like a living nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.

I made my way inside the building, all eyes on me - Everyone knew about Amy's death, everyone. Even the old widow who lived next door knew about 'the suicide of a cancer victim.'

That was the title of my best friend's death.

Her death was now a story that people would discuss about when they're hanging out, maybe even debate with each other about it.

I can already imagine the topics-

Suicide or Cancer?

Which is less painful?

Is suicide a sin or not?

"I'm sorry for your loss."

I didn't reply, but I kept moving forward, ignoring the stares, the whispers, the pathetic apologies.

I couldn't bring myself to accept any condolence - Maybe my mother was right, maybe I was in denial.

"I'm sorry, she was an amazing person." - You didn't know her.

"I'm so sorry, she was so kind and sweet."- You never even met her.

"She was so strong through her battle with cancer!" - How the hell would you know?!

My eyes burned, my vision blurred and my hands trembled slightly - I felt sick.

Society was seriously fucked up.

Nobody knew her. Nobody bothered with her since she had cancer and barely came to school.

Nobody even noticed her before her death and yet, now, everyone claimed to love her and cherish her. -  Pathetic.

Nobody cared to help her before and nobody noticed the sadness in her eyes.

Nobody noticed her, even when she was planning her death.

And I wanted to yell at them, I wanted to punch them.

I wanted to scream and shout - I was angry.

Because nobody noticed - Not even me.

But I knew I wasn't really mad at them.

I was mad at myself. And I couldn't even admit it.

By lunch, I was able to keep my gaze up, straight ahead.

And I kept my eyes dry and clear. And I never replied to their condolences. Nor did I even blink their way. I just ignored the stares and I ignored everyone - Even the teachers who were always looking at me like I was about to burst into tears -And believe me, I wanted nothing more - But I kept myself together, somehow.

And instead of going to the cafeteria, I found myself heading behind the school's building, where Amy and I usually spent out lunch period.

She never wanted to sit in the cafeteria like everyone else, she said the stares at her beanie and her short light hair that was tugged underneath, was something she did not fancy.

There was nothing special back here, nothing at all really. It was just an empty vacant space, with dumpsters on the side and dirt all around and the only students who hung around were smokers. They were the ones who Amy fancied the most. Because they never looked at her, at all.

And she loved it.

I leaned on the wall behind me and slid down on the cold hard floor as I looked around. There was only one group of students out here and they didn't even notice me, and for once, I understood how Amy felt.

I sat there and thought about the times we hung out here - Everytime, she'd start to sing loudly, while I'd simply laugh and tell her to shut up. She'd grin and continue even when I'd tell her that her voice was making my ears bleed.

But now, I'd take having my ears bleed till my body dries off of blood - I'd take that anyday now -

I'd take that over this cold and harsh silence that often only breaks by the smokers coughs - I'd take that over everything that happened this week.

And I just wish I was able to go back in time and stop her from doing it.

I wish I had picked up on her words, her sadness, her pain.

I wish I went up to her and hugged her so tight that I'd squeeze any thoughts of suicide out of her system -  I wish I was able to help.

But the world is not a wish-granting factory and I wasn't getting my best friend back.

My heart sank- Suddenly it was as if my own thoughts hit me like a brick on my chest, making it hard to breathe. So I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a shaky breath, one tear rolling down my cheek.

And I stayed there for a while - I stayed like that, with my eyes shut, my lips trembling, my hands balled in fists, clutching my hoodie tightly to keep myself from sobbing loudly.

And I stayed, until I heard her voice - And I heard my best friend singing.

But this time, I didn't find it ear-bleeding, I found it angelic.

Then I heard her laugh. And I imagined her here, right next to me. And I didn't dare to open my eyes and have her disappear on me.

I.didn't.dare.

And as the wind picked up, I could even smell her hair - The smell of coconut milk shampoo filled the air.

So I stayed there, with my eyes closed and tears silently falling.

I stayed there.

And I smiled.