Deserved
My hand itched to go forward and wipe the tears from the shadowhunters face, but I forced it to stay down. I knew he was crying because of me. I knew it was my fault. And I wanted so badly to fix it. His blue eyes scanned my face, and I closed all of my emotions behind my eyes. His raven black hair was a wreck from him running his hand through it so many times. Of course, I still didnt move. How could I? He gulped and looked back down at the ground. It was clear that he was fighting tears again, but I still didnt move. My heart longed to hold him. My mind longed to hear his calming, reassuring voice telling me it was going to be okay.
Everything about him made my mind fall to peices. His voice. His touch. His scars. His graceful movements. His perfections. His flaws. You could not tell me one thing about him, without me loving him more. To me, his tears were a sign of emotion. His lingering touch, a call to my heart. Even the way he yelled showed me that he cared enough to correct me. His smile; a call from heaven. And his frown, my beckoning call.
What hurt me most was that all I could do now was watch him fall to peices before me. This was my fault. I deserved to watch this. I deserved to feel the pain. The sobs raking their way through his chest and out his mouth were screams of the wrongs oI have yet to face. His falling tears and silent whispers were my past lovers coming back to greet me. His words of betrayal and hatred were simply the demons from withing myself coming out in the worse way imaginable.
My fists clenched at my sides as I endured this torture. Why couldnt I have just given up? Why hadnt I just helped him when I had the chance? Why must I watch my darling Alexander break into peices before my eyes? I reached out and wiped his tears away. He didnt respond in any way besides a fresh wave of sobs. I brought my other hand up to his cheek, but he simply pushed away my affection. He looked up at me with a scowel I would never have expected to be aimed upon me.
"Dont touch me, Magnus. Dont even look at me. I hate you, and I wish you would just leave me alone. Why.... why cant you just leave me alone?" He said, anger rising up in his voice. I stepped back as the poison shot from his mouth. Now it was my turn to fight the burning sensation of forming tears. Now it was my turn to break down and be destroyed. What have I done? Alec shoved me out of his way as he stormed out of my flat. The door slammed behind him, and then I allowed the tears to come. I allowed all of my pain from years before come out. My chest wretched sobs out in screams as I crumpled to the floor. Why did I have to destroy him? Now he hates me, and I know he should.
