The old and the new

3 years...

( so basically this is another thing I wrote about my brother. I wrote this 11/7/17 which marked the 3rd year of him being gone. Warning: emotional and sad)

To my brother, wherever he may be.

I can't believe that today marks 3 years you've been gone.
As I stare up at your pictures above the fire place, I can't help but wonder what would've happened so far if you never left that night.
Would my family still be falling apart? Would they still be so very sad in November?
Would Christmas and thanksgiving feel the same as always?
Would it be easy to breathe at the mention of your name?
Tell me where you've been these past 3 years.
Tell me how it's been.
Do you still think of me as much as I think of you?
I miss you bubby, and your laugh, your smile, the way you talk that was almost impossible to understand.
Just come back for a day so maybe this time I could say goodbye.
Maybe  then I could finally sleep.
And maybe then I could finally look at your son without being kicked in the chest with the reminder that he's got your face.
Maybe then I could lay my head down on my pillows that became tissues over the years.
Maybe then I would be able to balance with my heart not chained to my ankle. Maybe our mother would have her peace of mind back.
Maybe we wouldn't flinch at the mention of a car crash.
I wish every night that I could pick up the phone and call you.
If I could hear the dial tones and not some automatic message that the number is no longer in service.
Maybe I'd be okay.
Remember when you promised to take me mud running with you one day?
We lost time dear friend.
Doing the things you used to do blesses me with your presence and I swear sometimes I feel you with me.
I hear you snoring at night, it's peaceful. I hear you laugh.
I feel you sometimes.
But when I look up I'm hit over the head with reality.
Realization, and remorse.
Your memory tugs at my heart strings until they're ready to snap.
The tension in the air on this very day isn't welcoming.
And dear brother I don't believe in god but sometimes I've found myself at a loss for words as I'm at the foot of my bed at 2 am praying to someone, anyone to bring you back.
Or even just to talk to you.
If you did come back, everything I've wrote for you would make you stay. Wouldn't it?
All these feelings and emotions I've poured into words.
Please just come back and tell me its okay.
Tell me that you're not leaving.
Tell me that it was all a dream.
Just tell me anything.
Please.
Londus Tyler Barnes❤️ 11/7/15
you're missed dearly by so many💓😔