Wading In Deep Water

Chapter One

Chapter One

I tend to wake up in a hot sweaty mess about three times a night. I can't exactly explain why. To anyone actually. Except to the people who know me which would be two, my mom and my best friend. You see my therapist said I needed to live a little. And I mean, that's a lot coming from a forty year old women who spent her days listening to depressing monologues by slightly over dramatic patients who just wanted some attention. If anyone needed a life she did. You could say she at least had great stories to tell over dinner to her superficial friends, joking about client confidentiality.

It's been 2,6067 days since he's died. Believe it or not I have tally marks lining my bedpost counting each day I don't see him. Each day I have to see my mother tear up when doing laundry and each day I feel guilty. I still think it's my fault. Even though doctors and specialist told me even if I had called sooner he was already a goner. But everyday I still run down this plan that I could have done instead. Maybe if I had called 911 right when I saw he was having trouble breathing. Or if I had just pumped his heart a few times more or faster. But they all say shit would have stayed the same.

To make it worse we still live in the same house. Stupid, huh? The thing is mom couldn't afford to buy a new house and she honestly didn't want to give up. And the truth is I didn't either. We lived on the giant hill, and when I say giant I mean giant. It was a beautiful home. Being the person my father was we all knew he'd pick a place like this. He could see the world and he wanted his girls to be the top of it. The house embodied him. Of course she locked up the attic with all his gear. But I still snuck up there at night and looked at all the pictures and articles of him on the walls. I made a fort up there. It was my own little place. I liked it like that. When I was twelve I would even bring Kai up there and we'd pretend that it was our little home. I fell in love with him that day, Kai. He was my only friend and like any stupid, cliche, teen love story I was the best friend that was secretly in love with him. But unlike the story, I wouldn't tell him one day how I would feel and he wouldn't do the same. It wouldn't end in a passionate kiss and rolling credits. Life didn't work like that and you had to be caution. You don't take risks for the hell of it. You take them because you have too.

I go to West Hill High School, I know real original, and I pretty much hate everyone. My only friend is Kai and occasionally a teacher who doesn't present themselves' as the "best friend". I hate high school and not like the dramatic teenage girls who get dumped and can't "show their faces" in school anymore. I really hate school. With a fiery passion that I couldn't ever explain. I do love learning but when you put learning and hormonal horny teenagers in the same equation it doesn't turn out good. There is a reason girls call each other bitches and boys call each other dicks. It's high school. We are forced to fit these social norms to be 'somebody". Whatever the hell that means. How can somebody tell me that even though I exist, breathe, speak, and feel, I am still not a "somebody". It was a stupid concept made by the hippies and the rich. I know that that's too different sides of the spectrum but hear me out. The hippies did it because it made sense with their spirituality. And the rich did it because they needed a brand that could make them money. So you see it was bad and good to begin with. And now I believe everything at some moment becomes corrupted. That idea was just born corrupted.

I'm trying to say I shouldn't have to be anything. A lot of people have a problem with this. They think if I don't define myself then I don't know myself so they've done it for me. I'm like that "Plain Jane", they think my lack of a social life means I have no life. But what these assholes don't realize is that I don't like them. Therefore I will not talk to them. I'm not boring, I think they are. So why should I have to waste time on them. Kai doesn't agree with me. He thinks I should at least try. He doesn't understand though. See Kai he's like me he doesn't take part in high school drama but the only difference is he participates in school athletics."You have to make allies", he always says. He thinks we can't go through high school alone. But all I need is him. Kai, he is cool but not too cool. Girls love him of course. I mean who wouldn't, he could be that model on page two of the latest teen vogue magazine. He was a Costa Rican god.Tan skin that glistened, he blew Edward out of the water. The boys on the other hand kind of hate him and it isn't because he is gorgeous it was because he is too real. He isn't mindless and "having fun" like them. He asks too many questions and gives too many looks for their liking. So he is ultimately stuck with me, while girls throw themselves at him.