Morning came slow, but soon it was the next day, and I had to tell Marlon what I had heard just about 24 hours earlier, so I got out of bed and went downstairs into the living room where I knew he'd be waiting. Thankfully Louis was still sleeping, because in all honesty I didn't know how this would turn out.
I walked into the living room. Marlon was sitting in a chair, hands folded in his lap like a nervous kid on his first day of school. He had every right to be nervous, though, he fucked up.
"I've been waiting all night, and what seems like forever this morning, and all I'm asking you is for one simple answer to one simple question. Sandra. What did I do wrong?" "Answer me first. Do you think I'm stupid?" I asked tilting my head slightly while looking at him through squinted eyes. "What?" He asked in complete confusion. "Do you think I am stupid?" I said re stating the question, clearer this time.
"Of course I don't think you're stupid?!" He said with an almost disgusted look on his face. I don't know how things changed so quickly. One minute he was making love to me and I had finally admitted to myself just how much I loved this man; and now I can barely look at him without wanting to scream. "Then why did you think you could pick up Angelicas phone call yesterday, completely disappear and tell her how much you miss her and how much you NEED to see her without me finding out? Huh? What the hell made you think that?" Angelica was Marlons ex wife who, to my understanding, he had lost feelings for completely.
He buried his face in between his hands. Immediately he knew there was no getting out of this one. I had heard what I heard, wasn't like he could lie about it. "Sandy, baby.. I am so, so extremely sorry," Just before he could say another thing I cut him off in mid sentence and said "Sorry that you got caught? Yeah, I bet you are," I laughed sarcastically "If you miss her so much, why the hell are you here? With me? With my son? Playing immature games? Go do what you gotta do, Marlon. You don't need to be here. You chose to be, and that was your mistake"
He looked sick to his stomach but in no way could he have felt worse than I did at that moment. Telling off the man I thought I was growing close to, the man I thought I loved.
"Sandra don't. Okay I admit I was wrong, and that I shouldn't have answered knowing it was her. That I shouldn't have given in and said I missed her too. I shouldn't have said I wanted to see her either," "You said NEEDED" I said "Needed to see her." He corrected himself. "Everything I did was wrong but when I said we were happy I was being honest! I am so happy with you, Sandra. And I'm sorry."
"You're right, you shouldn't have, and you're right - we WERE happy. But now that you've done this, absolutely nothing is going to go back to normal Marlon." He looked at me in disappointment, a sad disappointment.
He walked upstairs and stayed there throughout the day, and I never once went upstairs to see him. Just like he hadn't come up yesterday to talk to me, to make sure I was alright.
Louis and I spent the day doing puzzles and I took him to the park to play with the other kids. I needed to get out of that house, to collect my thoughts about everything that had just happened. It all happened so fast. Don't get the wrong idea either; I'm big on second chances, I am. But when it comes to men, I don't have time to bullshit around and hand chance after chance to them, you know? I had done that too much in my life and I was at a point where I just couldn't anymore. Once a cheater always a cheater.
And sure, Marlon hadn't exactly cheated.. But who knows what he would've done if I didn't hear that phone call and he actually did go see Angelica? I couldn't trust him.
Louis had gotten tired of being at the park so we went home. It was around almost evening and I made Lou his favorite dinner: macaroni & cheese and apple sauce on the side. Also some broccoli because, well, it's important to eat your greens. He ate while I sat quietly in the living room, texting Gesine about what had been happening recently between Marlon & I.
When Louis finished eating he went into the playroom to play and surprisingly at about 6;30pm he had fallen asleep, on the floor, dead center of his play room like he always had. I picked his warm body up from the floor and brought him to his room to change him and kiss him good night.
After that I went back downstairs and into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine. Red wine. I needed it desperately after today. After about 5 minutes of me sitting in the very dim living room, I heard Marlon coming down the stairs.
He sat a few inches away from me on the couch and looked at me for a little while. "If you're gonna say something, say it," I said in aggravation "don't waste my time, you've done enough of that." "I just want you to know that I think we can fix this. I know we can because I love you. And I am willing to do anything"
He seemed surprisingly joyful? But mostly so sure. Sure that we could fix this. But the truth is, is that I had been there before. Once I can't trust you, I can't trust you. That's it. And he would never get it back. He placed his hand on my thigh and gently squeezed it. "Please," he said "let me fix this."
I took my cold glass of wine and pressed it on my warm cheek. I looked down at the floor with glossy eyes and stared at it for a long time. There was a dead and cold silence between us, and one that made me uncomfortable. But still I stared at the floor with my same glossed eyes, biting the inside of my cheek, just before saying:
"No. You can't. So please, Marlon, leave." I got up and left the living room, going upstairs to watch TV or do anything else besides be there with him. I threw a pillow and blanket down the stairs and calmly said "you can sleep on the couch tonight." But loud enough so he could hear me. I went back into what would now only be my room, & I shut the door indicating that he wasn't welcome in.
Because, he wasn't. And he would never be again. That was the reality; and he wasn't going to "fix it."
