Classroom: Cartman enters humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out. Cartman Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan... Kyle What is this, Cartman? Cartman They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend. Stan Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year? Cartman Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu birthday... Kyle Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever. Cartman That's right. Stan Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat-ass, too. Cartman That's ri-aayy. Pip Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation. Cartman [darting over] Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember! Pip smiles hopefully. Cartman I shoved it up my ass! Pip's hopes are dashed. Cartman Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap! moves on Cartman Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde... Mr. Garrison [excitedly] Children, children! Today is a very special day. Cartman No, my birthday isn't until Saturday. Mr. Garrison I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today. Cartman Eeeeeeh! Mr. Garrison Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... [leans down to the new kid, Damien] uh-uh, what's your name again? Damien Thorn Damien! Ominous Voice
Rectus...dominus...
Dark music and changing plays as Damien's eyes show flaming, crackling pupils. Mr. Garrison Say 'hi' to Damien! [Silence.] And where are you from, Damien? Damien The seventh layer of hell! Mr. Garrison Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama. Damien goes around the teacher's desk and hops up on it, kicking away the apple. Garrison steps aside. Damien My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father! Ominous Voice
... rectus... cheesy poofs...
Mr. Garrison Your father? Damien The Prince of Darkness! Mr. Garrison Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era. Damien hops down and goes to sit next to Cartman. Mr. Garrison Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass... Cartman Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party? Damien Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of... Cartman Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder? Ominous Voice
Rectus... dominus...
Damien turns to Cartman and concentrates. Cartman's desk suddenly turns over and dumps him onto the floor. Cartman Byah. Oof! The desk goes out the window. The class sits up. Stan Whoa, dude! Ominous Voice
Sancti...
Kyle Damn, what a freak! Cartman [Getting up off the floor.] Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk! Ominous Voice
Cheesy poofs...
Damien Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye. Mr. Garrison Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes? Damien blinks. Cartman Eheh. [Taunting.] You got in trouble, you got in trouble. The cafeteria: The boys already have their lunches. Stan Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'? Kyle Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'. Cartman Right. That's what your supposed to get for my birthday. Stan Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday. Kyle Yeah, that's weak! Cartman Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see? Stan Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want. Kyle crumples up the invitation and throws it away. Cartman Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then. Stan Oh great, Green Mega Man it is. Cartman Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is. Damien arrives. Stan Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid? Cartman Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo! Damien Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden! Kyle You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table! Damien walks off. Cartman Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two. Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him. Cartman Eeyy! Damian walks over to where Pip is. Pip Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me. Damien Then I will call you Pip. Pip Right-o. Stan Hey new kid! Cartman turns around. Kenny is already facing him. Stan Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog. Kenny (Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!) Damien That does it! Woo-paah. Points his index fingers at Kenny. Ominous Voice
