Lamia's Dream

Chapter 40

Jack’s win showed the earth was spinning appropriately on its axis again.  I threw the controller down in exaggerated anger.

“C’mon man, I had you.”

My string of losses made me wonder if Valerie had drained my shooting skills along with my emotional energy.  Not that I had been exceptional before.  But I was at least able to win a match every once in a while.  This was supposed to be practice for the tournament at the end of the month as well as another conversation I knew I would need to have today.

"I see why you suggested we meet up and practice today.  Heck, maybe you need to practice on your own,” Jack teased. 

“You know, Miles, if you want to borrow the console and bring it back for Friday’s practice, it’s cool,” Phil offered.

“Thanks man.  Actually, I had another reason for getting us together today.  I wanted to talk with Mr. Braun about… something.”

There was no point in hiding it.  I’m sure they already knew it was about Valerie.

Jack frowned, but didn’t say anything. 

“I think he’s free now.  He’s probably just waiting around until dinner is ready.”

“Yeah, good idea.”

I went upstairs and saw Mr. Braun watching the news while Mrs. Braun cooked.

“Mr. Braun, do you have a sec?”

“Of course.  Come on in,” he said.

He turned off the TV.  It was so odd to find an adult that actually wanted to give you their full attention.

“What’s going on?”

“Uh, nothing much.  Things are… good.”

“How are things with Valerie?”

“Over,” I said uncomfortably.

“I see.  Was it mutual?” he asked.

I shook my head.  “No, it’s my fault.  Well, she broke up with me, but…”

Mr. Braun waited.  He knew he didn’t need to ask prodding questions. 

“I just sat there.  I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t.”

“What did you want to tell her?”

I shook my head and I felt my body start to tremble.  “That I’m not worth her.”  I shrugged for some reason.  “I wasn't good enough for my own parents.  My mother died on me.  And my father doesn't want to deal with me.  If I wasn't good enough for them, how can I ever be good enough for anyone?"

I hated this.  I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way.  We covered this in therapy. 

I’m over this.  I’m over this.

Mr. Braun moved to the couch I sat on and placed his hand on my shoulder.  "Miles, son, you are good enough.  There a thousand fathers out there that would kill to have a son like you.  It frustrates me that you're own father can't see that.”

He paused for a bit, considering his next words carefully.  “I don't think there's anything I can say that will completely fix this wound inside of you.  It's been there for a long time, and it's festered.  You're feelings of self-worth are something you're going to have to handle over time." 

I nodded to show him I understood.

"Now, about this girl.  If you're trying to fulfill that self-worth by being with her, then by now I think you realize that it won't work."