Worthwhile

v.

Ely;

I've never watched someone go through an episode of anxiety so when I saw her I became oblivious on what to do. I was about to call for help when she held my hand and told me to stay. And I'm glad she did because I would've left and who knows what happened next if I left her on her own.

Even on my last night, I couldn't do something right and I hate myself for it.

My eyes followed through when she pulled her hand away from mine and before she could close her eyes and draw her arms across her body as though hugging herself, I saw them. I didn't notice then but in those split-seconds, I saw the deep welts and purpled scars plastered on her arms. I thought of every drop of blood that she shed and every lines as though they're battle cry of an everyday war against the monsters in her head.

I bit my lip and tears started to well in my eyes but I blinked them back before they fall. My heart breaks for this girl and the realization dawned on me, too: I am not alone and there are those people who are into some deeper shit than I am.

"I'm sorry," I said. I wanted to say that it came out unexpectedly because I was reminded of those who simply tag themselves with mental illness without really knowing the weight behind the label. People are turning depression as if it's some sort of an exclusive club and romanticize suicide like it's a glue that hold everyone together. I swallowed hard; bile rose from my gut just by thinking about how appalling the situation is. It angers me as there are people who are truly suffering from mental illness. People like her.

She deserves so much more. I regret what I said and right now the only things I can do is to own up to what I did without justifying myself. I did wrong. That's there's all to it.

Hearing my apology, she simply nodded her head with her eyes still closed. Whether it's forgiveness or a mere acknowledgment, I am uncertain about what it meant.

The deafening silence cloaked us akin to the darkness that enclosed us since. I was about to talk to her but she beat me to it.

"It used to provoke me," she began without opening her eyes still. "You know, how those people easily label themselves as bipolar when they're just moody; they label themselves as depressed when they're sad; own mental illness as though it's something to be proud of. It angered me that they see something ideal from a disorder we try so damn hard everyday to win against.. These people don't know that what they're doing is triggering for some."

She paused for a brief moment and breathed out aloud. "I loathed them until some people opened my eyes that we must educate instead of hate. I can't quantify others' pain and they may not have a clinical diagnosis like me but that does not invalidate what they feel. Maybe all of us crave attention in some ways; we ache for help; we long for a simple reassurance that we're not alone and things will be okay."

So that's what that nod meant; she understood.

There was another silence that ensued after what she said so I took one measly courage in me and I started to tell my story. 

"Maybe I just didn't want to admit it but maybe I taped my death because I wanted people to know that I'm hurting. Maybe it took me a while to jump off the ledge because at the deepest part of me there's a tiny voice that wanted to be heard," I said after telling her my story. I gulped down some air before I let the words flow out of my mouth."

"Maybe I wanted to be saved, too."

  ——  

And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay 

  written raw (19.12.17// 8:15 pm)

I dont know if this made sense and this note may be longer than this update but I'm not feeling well since yesterday because of Jonghyun's death and whenever I feel bad, I resort to writing. I wanted to write something so forgive me if this doesn't make sense. I've been moping since the news broke out last night and when his last letter greeted me this morning, I've been crying since. even as I write this now, my damn tears keep on falling! It's more than a death of a famous person to me, it's a death of a person victimized by depression. 

I read the letter and it speaks so much about mental health, about the people who are emotionally unstable, about those who silently suffer because they're unheard, I even saw the younger me in it. It's honestly devastating. I don't even have the right words right now to describe the whole situation. It breaks me every time I learn that somebody chose suicide as the answer; I even thought about dumping this book. 

My heart is heavy knowing that there are those who are in so much pain all around the globe but they don't have anyone. So in case you're reading this and you're battling depression with no one to talk to, please know that my inbox is open and help is real. Please don't end your life. I know it's hard as I know someone who's dealt with it for 8 years now but please keep going.  

 Please know that "suicide doesnt end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of getting better." Please Stay; Please seek help; YOU matter. 

I hope we take small steps as much as we can to normalize the importance of Mental Health. I hope we try to be more compassionate and kind. Eternal rest Jonghyun, eternal rest to every people who sought suicide as an answer.  I pray you find the rest and peace this effed up society wasn't able to provide.

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