Worthwhile

ii.

Clio;

Taken aback, I immediately slammed my laptop shut as though it would instantly make me unaware about the teenage boy taking his own life. Getting up from the chair, I frantically paced back and forth in my room to calm myself down. God, I wish how my heart is wildly thumping at the moment is enough to make it completely stop from working— to die of natural cause is to dismiss myself altogether of the plaguing guilt. But woe to me because my sick brain do not equate my healthy heart; fat chance of Cardiac Arrest!

Wiping the beads of sweat forming on my forehead, I beat my brains out on what to do. On account of reflex, my body moved on its own to grab my phone sitting on the night stand to call for help.

"Shit!" I can't count the times I mentally cursed tonight but the remaining contact detail left made me swore out loud. Though, on the bright side, I finally found my voice after the biggest shock of tonight robbed me of my ability to speak. As part of my  Pre-death list, I  deleted all the information on my phone except for my grandmother's.

Contorting my face in distress, I groaned out of frustration. If only I didn't live in a third-world country, 911 or any three-digit number would be a free emergency hot line. If only all the corrupt be damned, this world would be a bit better place to live. If only this boy's and my head aren't that twisted, we wouldn't be resorting to suicide tonight. If only the world is fair...

I immediately snapped myself out of my mental monologue because the symptoms of my impending breakdown are too familiar to brush aside. I'd start swearing (a lot), blaming the universe, people and circumstances to make myself feel better which never really work. It just connects me to the next phase where I succumb to self-pity and where I finally lose it altogether: self-loathing, constant wish of death to take me away and if all else fail, the dreaded self-harm. And I honestly don't want to breakdown, not on my last night when I have a list that I don't want to mess up. 

Complying with my impulse, I stepped out of my room. Why does his suicide attempt even bother me when I'll do the same? I can pretend not to care, get on with my plan to get this over with but I can't. It's ridiculous but watching the boy kill himself make me feel like I'm a murderer— that not doing anything is crime itself when I could have done something. And even if I take my own life tonight, I'd be haunted even in my death of my selfishness thus I'm left with no choice but to go to where the stupid boy is!

Gran is already asleep but I tiptoed my way to the backdoor and slipped out quietly. I hastily pulled my old bike and settled myself on it. I've been cycling my way to school for two years now so my mini-dress isn't a problem aside from the discomfort of the wind whisking it back, probably revealing my white underwear. But who cares? It's ten in the evening nobody would notice. Once I got my balance alright, I pedaled as fast as I can away from Gran's bungalow to my school.

The neighborhood became a blur and the cool breeze blowing on face made my eyes water. My heart is currently racing along with how I am speeding with time to get to him promptly and while at it, my mind kept swearing on repeat. I chastised myself on how stupid this is. I don't know what to do. For the first time I broke my rule of planning ahead of time.

It takes me ten minutes when I cycle to school but this time, I think I made it four minutes less than the usual. Leaving my bike on the school's ground, I bolted towards the fire exit as the alternative route to the rooftop. Groaning, I stopped at the foot of the stairs. 

To a girl like me who considers walking as a physical labor, scaling five floors to reach the top is a death sentence! I sighed and scrambled up the stairs.

Why am I doing so much for a stranger? Why can't I just shut my eyes like what the majority do to people who need help? Why am I acting like a hero when I can't even save myself?

Grabbing the door's handle, I paused to catch my breath. There's only this piece of wood that separates me from him. I'm not even sure if he's still alive but if I am already late, at least I tried. And maybe...I'll leap off the building after him.

I pushed the door open not knowing how this night will end.

I stepped out of the door and the wind that brushed past was enough to whip back a few stands of my shoulder-length locks. Relief washed over me when I saw him. The stupid boy who caused me so much trouble tonight was pushing himself up on the ledge.

I slammed the door shut behind me not knowing how else to get his attention. Startled, he dropped his camera on the ground below and turned to me. He flashed me a look of rage as I equally met his gaze.

"Fuck!"

Now, he sure does know how to start a conversation, doesn't he?

——

❝You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone to exterminate your bones. Friend, please remove your hands from over your eyes for me.❞
-Twenty Øne PilØts

written raw (27.10.17/ / 4:58pm)