Worthwhile

i.

Clio;

I am going to die...tonight.

Amidst the chaos in my head, this is one truth that I am certain about myself. It's nothing major to me. It's a well-known fact that everybody's going to die. We all share the same fate, eventually to ashes and bones we will be.

As for myself, however, the process will be sped-up a bit. With one little wretched soul off the Grim Reaper's list, I hope it will somehow lighten up his load. I've been planning this for three months now. For two weeks I pulled an all-nighter searching for the right answer on how to have a painless death—I was miserable enough living so I planned to at least not suffer on my deathbed—until I knew exactly what to do.

Come at me death or I shall come to you, either way I am ready.

I smoothed the white mini dress with its low back lace sprawled on my bed which is by the way uncalled for as I've ironed it five times now. I am obsessive-compulsive thus the tendency of my recurrent behavior.

After rubbing off the nonexistent ruffles, I hauled myself out of bed. I removed my bathrobe and slipped into the thin strapped dress. I don't usually exert extra effort in making myself beautiful every day; it's hard to be one when you are not someone attractive to begin with! But planning my death made me decide to at least die looking pretty so I bought one online.

Shrugging the uncomfortable feeling—not used to wearing one made me feel naked— I moved to put on my weather-beaten low-cut chucks and walked towards my desk. I settled on the chair, flipping my laptop open. I only have one last activity to cross out on my Pre-death list: delete my blog where all of my suicidal entries are dumped.

Ridiculous may it seemed but I plotted everything down to the last detail. With a week of term break in school, it's the perfect time for me to execute my plan. The last six days of my life were mostly spent with Gran, and I, doing selfless acts. I ended-up donating most of my clothes and volunteering in the community center: recycling, teaching the kids for an hour, tree-planting and visiting old folks. I also binged-eat (mostly sweets and pizza) because apparently, the painful amount of calories don't matter when you're about to die.

This whole week, I tried my best not to get sad as I'm ending it anyway. My sudden change of attitude earned me a questioning look from Gran but she said nothing about me going out a lot and interacting with humans. She is happy about it and my sense of guilt is already killing me.

I channeled my full attention to my blog page after it finally loaded. On my homepage, I was welcomed with the quote from this user called hopelessdaisy which says, "you have to breakdown in order to breakthrough". I snorted at this. It's always the breakdown for me and never the breakthrough.

I scrolled down a bit further when an idea hit me. With this as my last activity, I'm going to send an anonymous letter to my twenty followers to tell them that they are loved and to keep going. Ironic may it sound but it's the least thing I could do for people with mental illness like me. Maybe one little act of kindness could save a life even if I couldn't save mine.

I clicked one follower with the user-name called fckyeah-life-and-its-bullsht. The profile told me that the owner is a he and there's one current activity. Out of curiosity, I brought my mouse to the video and hit play—an image of a teenage boy is being displayed.

Frozen on my seat, my chest is thumping loudly at what I am witnessing. The boy is videotaping his imminent death and to make things worse, the familiarity of the place completely struck me dumb.

I shit you not but there's going to be another suicide tonight and it's...in my school's building. 

  —— 

❝Grit your teeth, pull your hair,
Paint the walls black and scream, "fuck the world 'cause it's my life, I'm gonna take it back," and never for a second blame yourself. Now don't lose your fight, kid,
It only takes a little push to pull on through.❞
- All Time Low

This has idea has been in my head for a month now but I only got the chance to finally try and put it into words as of tonight because of my rotten attention span. I promise to try and make it better in the coming chapters. written raw (25.10.17// 10:58 pm)

don't forget to listen to the music on the media =]