wolfstar one shots

sunrise

Dear Padfoot,

I know you're probably never going to want to read this, but I've got a lot to say and at least this way I can pretend you're listening.

That's the thing isn't it. I can just pretend everything's okay and hope that it is. I can fool everyone under some false pretence that I'm okay, when really I'm in pain.

Not physically as such. It's more of a mental pain, the type that is constantly hacking away at the back of your mind, reminding you of what's ultimately coming for you. The pain in your heart that you know you can't stop it.

The pain that I know I can't stop you from caring.

I can try everything and you still won't give up on me. I could ask you a thousand times to forget me and leave, but never in a million years would you. And whilst I appreciate it endlessly, because Padfoot I really do, sometimes I think it would just be easier if you listened.

You'd be long gone and I'd be alone, and whilst that may be hurting me at least I wouldn't be hurting anyone. I could sit and watch the sunrise thinking that you'd be doing the same also but with someone who loved you (albeit a little less than I ever could) by your side.

It would be the greatest act of love I could muster to have you live that happy life. To watch you smile with someone else, raise a family with someone else, and to grow old with someone else. It'd be easier for us both.

Yet you still stay.

Padfoot, this would be so much easier to say if you didn't care. If I knew it wasn't going to hurt you I definitely would've told you differently. I would've been a lot more blunt that's for sure.

I'm going blind...

(Well, maybe I'd've been less blunt)

It's happening fast. Faster than the opticians first thought anyway. And it sucks because all I want to do is to etch your face into my memory but I can't do that. I can't even grasp the colours of the sunrise.

Our sunrise. The same one we watch together every morning. The one we both love so dearly. The one with the failing blues and turmoil reds that comes crashing to the ground.

The sunrise which I love so dearly being taken away from me. So, whilst I can still feel the rays on my skin and taste the sunlight on my tongue, it isn't enough. It will never be the same sunrise as before.

And you are my sunrise, Sirius. I love you so dearly yet you are being grasped from within my reach. And whilst I can hear your voice and feel your skin I will lose the ability to see your gorgeous eyes or your sly grin.

And it fucking sucks.

I don't quite know how to finish if I'm being honest. If you've found this letter you probably already know anyway but if you don't know tah dah that's why I've been knocking stuff over for the past month and a half.

I shouldn't be joking really. I don't know why I am. Maybe to lessen the pain.

Just do me one favour Padfoot. If you are going to leave can we wait until I'm fully blind. I don't want to see a sunrise without you by my side.

Yours,
Remus x