This Is How I Disappear

Chapter 1: Terrible Things (Part 1)

A/N: greetings to those who are reading this. Thankyou for joining me :) 

Please..comment on my work. It would make me...giddy :) 

Thanks. -Gerard

*Lucas' Pov*

I could say that I was happy he was gone, but that would be a lie. I did miss him, but I was also mad at him for leaving me. Especially if he might not come back alive. I don't want him to come home in a casket. Quinton out of all of us seemed the least worried. After all that worrying about Xander, he's calm when he leaves? That doesn't seem right. Zeke sometimes makes me stay at his apartment so he doesn't feel too lonely. He was close with Xander also.

When Xander left..he took everything, bedsheets, drawings, clothes, drugs, everything. He left one picture that he drew, it was of Quin, Zeke, Seth and I standing in the center. Xander was in the back of the drawing partially shadowed out.

I sat at lunch during school, the gang and my girlfriend Luna sat together. They were all talking, only Quinton and I weren't. I stared at him silently, he was eating a half full bag of nachoes and cheese that Seth gave him.

"God, its so weird with you two being so glum." Seth said almost annoyed. Luna gripped my hand tighter and looked at me wirh a sympathetic stare.

"Seth, they're upset. You can't force them to cheer up." Casey said. Quinton glanced at her.

"I'm not upset." Quinton stated, he crumpled up his lunch and tossed it into a nearby garbage can. We all looked at him. "I just miss him." Quinton mumbled. So why is it that today he cares that Xander is gone, and by tomorrow he wont? He acts as if he's hiding something.

"Well stop thinking about him and get over it. He's a drug addict, he probably left to go kill himself." Seth said.

"He wouldn't." I ground out through grit teeth. I didn't notice I gripped Luna's hand tighter until she winced and oulled away. "Sorry." I murmured and she nodded.

"How would you know? Do you secretly talk to him every day?" Seth asked, his tone was mean.

"No, I haven't seen him since a week before he left." I snapped. "I know he wouldn't kill himself because he's stronger than that." I added. That thought made me scared. What if he wasn't strong enough?

"Whatever you say, Lucas." Seth scoffed. I glared at him and looked away. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Maybe the next time I see him will be in an open casket at a funeral. Dead looking, even though he already looked dead.

Lunch finally ended and I went to my locker with Luna. "I'm gunna go home. I'm not feeling well." I lied, well half lied. I felt like shit.

"You don't look so well either." Luna said with a slight frown. She placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. "Go home and rest, okay?" She said.

"Okay." I muttered putting my stuff away. I then made my way down a maze of hallways, this school was huge. And it was just my luck when Buck came and spotted me in a semi-crowded hallway. Jack, Steve, and Bulldog were with him. I wanted to melt into a puddle and find the nearest drain to slide down.

"Hey there, Lulu." Buck said down the hall, he was loud over all the voices. All the people in the hall froze and looked at me. I went frozen. Maybe if he punched me, Xander would suddenly appear and save my ass like he used to. But that's impossible. Buck came closer to me and shoved me against the plain brick wall. Lucky for me, teachers wouldn't save me unless there's buckets of blood or any weapons! Yes..that was sarcasm.

"What?" I asked quietly, his Gang surrounded me. No one could see anyyhing going on. They all held me againdt the wall so no matter what, I couldn't escape.

"Where's Vampire? I heard he left Zeke." Buck said.

"I don't know where he went." I told him, it was the truth. "Please let me go.. I don't feel good."

"Awe, poor baby." Buck said, he punched me hard in the stomach. I fell to the ground in pain. But I got up and ran..really fuckin' fast.

I managed to get into the office, the Jock Gang gave up chasing me. The office ladies let me leave and I got to walk home. But, I didn't walk home. I went to Zeke's apartment instead. He had given me a key and said that I was always welcome there whenever. Whether he was home or not. He was home though, I walked inside. Zeke sat on his couch staring at the tv and the drawing Xander had left. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled lightly.

"Hey," he said putting the drawing down. "Don't you still have school?" Zeke asked.

"Yea, I left." I abswered closing the door and taking off my shoes.

"You shouldnt do that." Zeke said as I sat down beside him on the couch.

"I think I can manage missing two hours." I mumbled, the tv was on Animal Planet. Baby seals were wrestling in the snow, but the volume was on mute.

"I guess so. Why'd you leave?" Zeke asked.

"Seth was pissing me off..he keeps saying that Xander will-" my words slipped away.

"He wont kill himself. Both you, Quinton, and I know he wont." Zeke said seriously.

"Seth thinks so..and it pisses me off." I growled. Zeke handed the drawing to me, I took it. It was a perfectly detailed picture of all of us. I stared at Xander's figure, the shadowing was darker so it was harder to see all of the detail. The background was blurry as well, so I didn't notice the objects floating arouns us. There was a black handgun, the bullets were scattered around it. A syringe, a bottle full of pills, a broken mirror, and a razor blade.

The gun was above Quinton, the pills above me, the syringe above Zeke, and the mirror above Seth it gave off distorted reflections. The razor blade was above Xander.

"Why did he put those there?" Zeke asked. I noticed that even blurrier was an open hearse with an empty casket.

"Does he think he's going to die?" I whispered setting the paper down on the coffee table. This made me nervous..

"I dunno." Zeke sighed. "Maybe we need to stop thinking about him and have a normal life again." He suggested.

"But he's my brother, I can't just forget that he is practically killing himself." I said.

"Maybe he left to try and make everything normal for all of us." Zeke muttered. I sighed and leaned on him. "We could try.." he whispered.

"I guess." I said with a sigh. I stood up. "I'm gunna go take a nap in his room." I said walking towards Xander's old room.

"Okay." Zeke said staring at the tv. I laid in the bed, complete darkness surrounded me. His bed was super comfy. I don't see how he could have nightmares in a bed so comfy. I fell asleep.

~~~

A/N: so? Tell me what you think. I will give you coffee..per comment :) -Gerard