Reality Bites - Wattys 2018 Shortlist

Chapter 4 - Camp Tea

Wow. A DMC with my mother? Have to say, I hadn't seen that coming.

"Ok?" I answered.

"Well you know, of course, that I had you when I was very young. As you'll realize as you get older, some of the decisions that seemed right in your youth, you find yourself reconsidering as you get older."

What was she saying? It kind of sounded like she was saying that she wished she hadn't had me. This wasn't exactly a revelation to me, but I'm still surprised she came out and said it!

"Um, are you saying you wished you didn't have a baby so young?" I asked, clearly shocked.

"No. Not at all! While you were a surprise, you were very wanted and loved," Mom immediately clarified. "I just mean that with the benefit of hindsight, some of the decisions I made back then I would now have done differently."

I was completely lost. I had no idea what she was getting at, so I decided to stay silent and let her spit it out.

"For example, I wish I'd spent more time with you in your formative years. At the time it seemed so important to continue with my career as soon as possible, but in retrospect, it wasn't. I've only recently started to appreciate how difficult it must have been for you to be left at St. Vladimir's at four years old," she admitted. "I wish I'd done that differently. And then, there's also the issue of your father."

My father? What about my father? Mom had always been vague about my paternity, leaving me to suppose there wasn't much to tell.

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying for nonchalance as I carefully scanned the darkness and surrounding trees, keeping up my guarding duties even though my mind was racing.

"Well, I wish I'd handled that situation differently, too," she said quietly.

We both fell silent for a moment. I didn't know what to say, and I don't think she did either. I thought maybe she'd finished what she wanted to talk about when she continued.

"He didn't know about you. Not until you were four. I'd intentionally gone off-grid," she explained. "I wanted you from the moment I knew you were coming," she said, her voice quivering slightly. "But I wasn't ready to be a wife and a mother. Your father and I were very much in love, but we wanted different things. If he had known I was pregnant, he would have insisted I give up being a Guardian. And I wasn't prepared to do that."

"So he knows about me then?" I asked in shock. Thirteen years my father had known about me, and not one attempt at contact? Did I look like him? Where did he live? Did he have other kids? Why had he not tried to contact me even once?

"Yes, Rosemarie. He found out about you when I left you at St. Vladimir's. He was furious I'd hidden your existence from him and was very eager to meet you. He contacted me, and I begged him not to seek you out. You were so young, and being left at St. Vladimir's had already been such an upheaval. And your father also has powerful enemies. I convinced him that any contact would put you in danger. All of those points were true, but I now regret not giving you the opportunity to know one another." Pausing for a moment, she continued so quietly that I almost didn't hear her. "I loved you so very much, that knowing I had to give you up to be a Guardian, I think I was scared he'd be the parent to you I knew I couldn't."

I was finding it hard to scan the trees through the tears welling up in my eyes. For my entire life, I'd thought my father was some random that my mother couldn't remember. Discovering that they'd been in love and that he had wanted to know me was earth-shattering. And knowing that my mother had loved and wanted me was special, too. Thinking back, I couldn't recall a single time she'd told me she loved me. She wrote it on birthday and Christmas cards, but I can't recall her ever saying it. Hearing her say it now meant more than she could imagine.