Reality Bites - Wattys 2018 Shortlist

Chapter 24 - Pinned

After lunch, Dimitri and I headed back to our room. Mom decided she'd be staying for a few days while we worked through the back to school arrangements. Thinking it was best to leave lunch while things were on a comparatively positive note, we left her and Abe to continue chatting while we excused ourselves. Back in our room, Dimitri pulled me to sit on the couch with him.

"So what's going on, Roza? Why is this the first I've heard about you maybe not wanting to be a Guardian?"

"I don't know," I said in a small voice. "I think it's been building for a little while."

"So what's the problem?"

"I'm not sure," I confessed. "There are a few things, I guess. Firstly I worry that we'd never see each other. We won't necessarily get a choice in where we're assigned. I know I'll probably be assigned to Lissa, but if you are too, then we'd be rostered on at opposite times. And if you were assigned to someone else, then where does that leave us? Also now I know that one day we could have a family, how does that work if I'm a Guardian? I can't just leave Lissa because I'm off living my own life all of a sudden, but I'm not prepared to give up our chance of having a baby either. And I want to see the world, Dimitri! Not just wherever I have to follow Lissa. When you and Abe were telling me about Russia, I wanted to really experience it. I guess I want to be free to make some of my own decisions. Some of our own decisions." My eyes were filling with tears.

"Ok," he said. "Are you sure that's all?"

"Well I was checking in the other day with Lissa, and she was saying some nasty things to Alberta about me abandoning her. I was upset at first, but I realized it's because the darkness is building up in her again. When I'm there some of it creeps across to me anyway, and I usually pull it from her when it gets bad like I did that night with Jesse. But I haven't done that since a week before the field trip. I know it's selfish, but I'm just so happy, and in love right now, I don't want that feeling to end. I'm sick of feeling the darkness," I whispered "and I'm scared that I might lose myself in it. I feel horrible, because I know I wouldn't be here if Lissa hadn't brought me back to life. It just feels like to repay her for saving my life, I have to give it up anyway," I concluded.

"Oh Roza," he murmured, pulling me onto his lap. "I wish you told me all of this earlier."

"So much has been going on. It's only since we've been here that I've had the time to process it. Before we had each other, it made sense to devote my life to Lissa. And I do love her," I said, as the tears trickled down my cheeks. "But I love you more."

"I love you too, milaya. Try not to worry about this. We're having dinner with your parents tonight, why not explain this to them? Your Mom's faced similar issues herself; she might have some helpful perspectives? And your father has already proven he's committed to your happiness, let's see if he has any ideas?"

"You're right, thank you, Comrade," I sighed, sniffing. "Oh. I forgot to tell you; it also looks like the bond might be starting to work both ways. Lissa felt terror when the Strigoi attacked us, and she was super happy then super pissed off when that thing happened with Nikita."

"Just feelings so far?" he asked quickly. I'd explained to him in the past how I'd come close to seeing a lot more of Christian than I ever wanted to.

"Yes. For now. But I really need to see her to talk her through putting up mental barriers," I said with a sigh. "But right now I'm tired. Care to spend the afternoon in bed with me?"

Looking torn, Dimitri said, "I'm afraid I can't, Roza. I postponed this morning's training sessions with the Guardians to this afternoon. Some of us have to work for a living you know," he joked. Looking at his watch he sighed "I'm due for the first in five minutes."