**ON HOLD**The Lush: A Rudy Wade Fanfiction (Misfits) oc

Chapter 10: Lips

I am happier alone. I have uttered these words every day since I blossomed at the age of 15. It was a mantra I had perfected.

I used to feel that horrid anxious feeling, the one you'd get lying in bed, worrying that your partner might hurt you, might cheat on you. That horrible feeling of doubt and embarrassment. I am happier alone because that feeling no longer consumes me.

I don't know how we ended up at Renee's apartment or how there was a man lying in bed next to me.

The night before was fueled with shots and ciggies. The whole memory was a hazy dream and now I was in a place I didn't think I'd be.

Gathering my things, I tried my best not to wake anyone. I'd caught sight of Renee sprawled across her bed with another man I didn't know. I did what I was good at, escaped that place and wanted to forget. I am happier alone.

My makeup was still on my face and I'd managed to lose my ID somehow. Hailing a taxi, I was happy to find that I didn't lose my debit card. Muttering my address at the driver, I was off, on my way back to the place I called home and back to the reality I desperately did not want to be a part of.

"Mind if I?" I said gesturing to my cigarette.

"No' if yeh lemme bum off yah?" the driver laughed and I quickly handed him a stick.

I let the burn take me away again. I wind the window down and exhale, closing my eyes. I taste his lips for some reason, Rudy's. I guess last night didn't diminish the taste. His soft, thin lips on mine were ecstasy and I couldn't get enough. The thought of them wandering – lingering upon my skin sent shivers through my veins. I needed him more than I needed oxygen. I take in another drag, a long hefty one this time. The smoulder aching at my lungs, destroying the tissue. Maybe it was because I wanted to feel this pain that I held the burn for a few seconds longer than I should. I exhale. I want him don't I? Maybe I wasn't happier alone anymore. I hate the idea of that statement being true. How would I ever chose between the two of them?

I'd spent my weekend away from home after that first night alone. It was weird being in my house without Rudy. Ending up at Renee's apartment either sleeping in her bed with her or coming home in an inebriated state with some guy I didn't know.

Rudy hadn't slept. His shaking had dulled out to a small tremor. Her kiss, her touch, her voice – he couldn't get it out of his head. He fucking loved the girl and he didn't know what to do. Her disappearing triggered something he had buried for so long. The feeling of abandonment was a hurt that he couldn't handle. Too and Rudy hadn't been one since she left and he had been handing everything on his own ever since he told the prick to fuck off.

It was the longest weekend. Florence had kept ignoring him and his heart was weak. He'd went to her apartment one night to see if she was okay but there was no sign of her and he forced himself to not be the stalker type. He didn't want to scare her away. She probably needed to think this shit over. Rudy couldn't stop thinking about ways to answer him. She was obviously still alive because he could see that she had read his messages. That gave him a little peace.

Rudy never stopped trying to contact me through the weekend. I ignored him every time. I could only take a few "Please answer me" texts every few hours. What the fuck was I supposed to do, I couldn't choose between the two of them? Monday.

It was the day that I simply dreaded. It was a day that I had fantasised was years away. It came just as fast as the weekend had passed and the taste of his lips still lingered on my skin. I missed his lips, his taste. It was something that was merely impossible to forget.

I don't know how I managed to arrive early, maybe I'd be able to miss him if I'd just go in, get ready and start my community service. The showers took far too long to heat up this morning but I finally managed to get a good temperature for this terribly cold weather. The clothes felt itchy on my skin and I wanted only to get them off. Letting my dress from the night before drop to the floor, I entered the horribly tiled showers and let the water wash over me. I don't know how I managed to wash my body and hair; it felt so bizarre to be at the community centre. Standing underneath the warm showerhead, I stood there until the tips of my fingers turned to prunes. I still felt dirty, like the weekend that shamed me was plastered across my skin. I'd fucked up. I know that.