Shallow Imitations

chapter twenty-four

There's a boy in my bedroom.

I've been experiencing a lot of firsts lately (first funeral, first headache, first time to get pity by everyone in school), but this particular first seemed so hard to come by. We're sitting on the floor watching a movie. Atlas found is to be a better place, close enough to the TV to see properly.

He's wearing a nice shirt and jeans, his shoes sitting outside my room next to the door. I never asked him to take it off, but he said my room looked too nice. The whole house is apparently too nice. My parents worked hard to make this house beautiful and homy all at once. Dad, especially, loves being surrounded by aesthetically pleasing furniture. It's not all as expensive as it looks, but I guess anything is an upgrade considering what Atlas's house looks like. I can't blame him for being careful.

He's watching the movie almost as intently as I'm watching him. His legs extend in front of him, his foot swaying a bit whenever he laughs. Everything makes him laugh. Not loudly. Just a small chuckle and a big smile. The only thing I know well about him is that he doesn't make much noise. Not purposely. When he walks into a room, he treads carefully, surprising people when they finally notice him. He laughs almost silently. When he's listening to music in the cafeteria, he makes sure that it's only loud enough for him to hear. He hates disturbing people and inconveniencing them.

I love that. Everything. He's deliberate with everything. Unlike the rest of us. We go around doing whatever we please whenever we feel like it, not considering the consequences. With Atlas, everything is well thought of.

"I've never seen an anime before," he says. "I didn't know how popular these were."

I nod even though he's not looking at me. We're watching Spirited Away. I've seen it a million times by now, but this is his first time. Everything is new to him. He's having a hard time keeping us with the subtitles—hence the fact that we're sitting on the floor and not the sofa—so I handed him the remote for him to rewind as he pleases. He hasn't taken me up on that yet. As I said, he hates inconveniencing people.

My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

"It's weird. I never thought they'd be other movies in different countries that amazing but we never got to see them just because they're in a different language."

I think I said, "Yeah," in response, but now I can't remember.

As he sits, his hands are outstretched by his side. I reach out to touch his finger, just one. Atlas smiles. His cheeks are getting red and he refrains from turning to look at me. He lets me grab his hand and place it on my lap, slowly caressing it.

"Luna," he breaths out my name.

The movie is forgotten. We just stare at each other, the both of us smiling. We're kissing when I hear footsteps approach the open door. Atlas is too distracted by a spot in my neck, but I can see Eleonora staring at me in horror. Her arms are crossed and there's a vein in her forehead that I've never seen before. He hadn't moved back from me, his hand lingering around my waist and his fingers strong on the skin under my shirt. Atlas likes to test his limits before deciding how far he can go. He's touching the slightest bit of skin. I'm almost tempted to ignore my sister, almost forgetting that she's even standing here staring at me as if I'd just committed a crime.

It's not easy to untangle myself from him. This sounds stupid even to me, but it's almost painful to pull myself out of that moment. However, the thought of Eleonora yelling at my first boyfriend for kissing my neck has a much more permanent effect.

I stretch out my foot and kick the door shut.

What does she think we're gonna do? I'm sure she can hear the movie playing.

Right now, El has at least three guys to call up at any time who'll sneak in her bedroom in the middle of the night. But for some reason, me bringing Atlas here is a big deal.

"W-what what was that?" Atlas asks, moving away from my neck. It doesn't matter what he's doing, he does it so intently that he pays no attention to anything else. He's still staring at my lips even as he pulls away.

I shrug. "Just thought I saw something."

I turn up the volume of the movie and Atlas moves away a bit, still smiling.

The minute the movie is over, Atlas turns to ask if there's a sequel. There isn't. Yet, at least. We're discussing different theories about the ending. There's so much about the world left unexplained.

By ten, Atlas stands up. "I should go," he says.

"It's not you."

He squeezes my hand. "I know. I get. Your sister is having a hard time, so go easy on her."

I wanna argue, but I know he's right. We're both having a hard time dealing with things. We're dealing with selling the house and wondering how we'll manage the money we have and on top of all this, Eleonora is attending college. She talked about dropping out several times, but I refuse to accept it.

I walk Atlas out the door. He kisses me and I watch him as he walks down the street until he disappears. I close the door and stand there, thinking of what he just said.

When I turn around, Eleonora is sitting in the living room. Her face is in her hands and she sighs. I sit next to her and place my hand on her back.

"I'm sorry," she says.