Shallow Imitations

chapter thirty-two

It takes forever to get through the whole story. The look on Eleonora's faces tells me that she won't accept any gaps in my statement. They need the whole summary, from the moment I laid eyed on him the first time until yesterday. So I tell them about the letter he sent me and the letter I found on the desk. I skip over the details that I feel are too private and tell them about the visit to Wanda's house and how we broke in to find the email. I tell them about Brett and how we're going to see him in the morning three days from now. "No, you can't come with us," I tell Eleonora when she asks. But I don't tell them that about the first time Kal kissed me and how he followed me around in his car. The story is too shocking for them to question the minor details.

I don't tell them about the dreams I'm having, dreams of Atlas and I in a car. It goes down every night and I always wake up shivering, but I don't tell them how broken I am and how much this is triggering. The pain in our relationship is surfacing, the arguments we had and how although he's the only one who gets me sometimes he doesn't understand a word I say. And the same goes for me.

When the story is finished, I sit down on the desk chair and let them think. I pull out my phone to order something to eat. I check off everything that looks good because I know it'll be a long day and that El will want to take some time to digest everything.

"I'm getting better. I can really feel it this time," I say, and it's not a complete lie. "Once this is over and we find out the truth, everything will go back to the way they were before Atlas died," I say. Then, turning to Olive, "We can go see that movie you wanted to see and everything will be fine again."

Olive looks at me. There's something in her eyes that I can't quite read. A confusion, perhaps. This is all too much for her. For me too. I wonder what's going on through her mind, if she thinks I've changed.

She never heard about the break-in or the thing about Brett, about the jewelry store and the robbery. This part is the worst. The most intense. This means that I trespassed and that I'm about to come face-to-face with a prisoner. That Atlas might be guilty too.

It's not something to take lightly

I'm about to continue, to feed them more of my lies about how we'll work things out eventually and that Kal and I know what we're doing. Eleonora stops me before saying anything else.

She puts a hand up, silencing me. "Stop telling me you're fine, Luna. This is clearly not what's happening here. Chasing this little fantasy is the opposite of therapeutic. You're landing yourself in more trouble."

My arms are crossed like a teenager arguing with her mother. "I thought you wanted me to move on and to start dating again. If I don't know what happened to him, I won't be able to rest in peace. This won't end until I understand what happened to Atlas—"

"Not with a stranger trying to solve a crime! And breaking into people's houses isn't dating."

"It's twisted, I know—"

Eleonora stands up from the bed, smoothing down the cocktail dress she's wearing. She's glaring at me, her eyes shooting like lasers. "Then what happens? Say you go on this adventure and you find out your dead boyfriend robbed a store. What will happen to you then? Don't you think you'll be worse when you find out Atlas has been lying to you this whole time?"

"He's not lying. It's just a theory," I say. "All I want is to find out who sent the letter."

"And what will you do to this person? Because the only reason someone would send this is if they want to expose Atlas."

Olive stares between the both of us, getting smaller in the middle of our argument. "El, don't you think you're overreacting? Luna knows what she's doing."

"Does she?" she yells out, turning to look at me. Olive jumps."Do you? Because it doesn't look like it. Honestly, Luna, sometimes you act like you're still a child. I may not always be here to look after you."

Of course she gets to use her famous line. Our parents died. That can only mean that even Eleonora is mortal. That she'll be gone and I'll be lost, not knowing where to go next. It's not like any of our arguments ended up being fruitful. We argue and it ends up with neither of us winning. I'll do what I have in mind and she'll bring it up during every fight.

My eyes close. There's a headache starting to form. Even the lights are irritating me. "Can you leave? I'm tired."

Eleonora stares at me for a few moments before turning around, grabbing Olive by the wrist. "Let's go," she mutters under her breath. The door slams shut. I can hear her heels clicking even as she walks down the stairs, further away.

I get out of my jeans and collapse on the bed. One day, this will end, I think, wishing.

I don't remember ordering food until it gets there. The guy stares at me, realizing that all this is just for one person. He gives me a pitiful smile and takes the money. At first, I'm not really hungry. Then, I turn on the TV and begin eating. I let the cheesy comfort food in my system, drowning it with desert instead of a drink. The TV keeps playing for hours, until I can no longer keep my eyes open.

"I'llbefineI'llbefineI'llbefineI'llbefine."

I repeat this until I fall asleep.