Shallow Imitations

chapter twenty-seven

       

There's an antique ring in my mother's jewelry box. I've never seen it before. She's never worn it. But as Atlas pulls it out of the box, it looks kind of familiar. "You should keep some of these things," he says. "This one looks like it's worth a lot."

It's gold with a Victorian style to it. It's adorned with tiny rubies all over and one big one in the middle. Slipping it on my finger, I realize that it's a perfect fit. There are so many things here that I've never seen before. El already went over the house and got all the things she wanted and kept them in boxes. She's selling everything meaningless and keeping the paintings that she loves. There's a lot of history around the house, so it's hard to decide what's good enough. The idea is to pull out the things that we think we're going to miss. The picture books and home videos and stored safely in one of El's boxes. She's keeping all of these things because I know she likes looking through them every once in a while. I kept a few pictures of my parents together and one of El and me when we were little, fighting or pretending to be playing with toys just so mom could get the memory-capturing part out of the way and let us argue in peace.

We hosted a garage sale last weekend where we sold all the furniture we didn't want and some of the expensive china that we never got to use. Mom and Dad's clothes ended up in GoodWill along with some other things.

It's already February, which means that the school year is almost over. We want to see everything and find someone who'll give us a good price on the house so that we can study for finals without having to worry about all of this.

"Eleonora wanted to box up everything and sell it without even taking a second glance, but I know she'll regret it."

He nods. "Maybe she just doesn't wanna get emotional. You've lived in this house your entire lives, but she won't always want to forget everything."

He's sitting on the bed and going through my mom's things. I'm sitting on the floor of the bedroom, searching for anything valuable. A lot of the things aren't as expensive as we thought, but the jewelry would make a good memory. I'm gonna give some to El too. She's acting stubborn right now, but this isn't the time to act tough.

"I'm renting a storage space to keep all the big stuff in. I haven't figured out if I'm gonna get my own apartment or if I'm gonna live in a dorm. Either way, I can't take all these things with me."

"That's a good idea," he says. "The paintings are too good to just sell. When you get a house of your own, you'll want to keep them." He says this while staring at me, a small smile on his face.

"What is it?"

He sighs, getting up from the bed to sit next to me on the floor. Atlas places his hand on my knee. "I know that we said we'll pick the choice that suits us best. Sure, we're young and who knows where we'll be a year from now . . . But I know that I wanna be with you. I wanna factor you in my life plan. Or at least the next four years."

I blink, trying to understand what he's telling me. We both sent our applications to all the schools we could think of. I got into NYU and UCLA, but we both got into Northwestern which is really close to everyone we know. While I'd love to go to New York, I just can't stomach the thought of leaving El and all my friends behind.

Atlas got a few scholarships, one to Stanford and one to Northwestern. The former is obviously the best choice. It's one of the best schools.

"Of course I want you with me, but you just can't give up Stanford."

"Why not? Northwestern is a great school. I'm only going English anyway. The classes I want are in both schools and I'll be with you and my mom." The last part he says reluctantly like he's not so sure if being near her is a good thing.

I'm holding onto Mom's Victorian ring, twisting it around my finger. "Only if that's what you want."

Atlas leans in, planting a kiss on my lips. "You're what I want," he says. "If I don't stay here, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I just know it."

I sigh, thinking. All this time, I thought I could be strong enough to tell him to just go and do what he wants, but I'm caving in too quickly. Me leaving is just not an option right now. I need my sister. Neither of us can do this alone. She's the only one who knows what I'm going through. And Atlas . . . He just starting fitting in. He's getting along with my friends and making his own. And Imogen is . . . A mess, like always. Drunk and coming home late. Even if he hates having to do this, I know that he wants to make sure that she's okay.

"I've been thinking about this all year. When we graduate, we can get our own apartment."

I'm dumbfounded. This never came into my head. Moving in with someone is a big step. We've been dating for two years now, but I don't know if this is the next step to take. Everyone else I know is getting ready to leave behind everyone and start anew. Breaking up with their boyfriends and girlfriends, or keeping up a long distance relationship that won't survive the first semester.

For us to actually live together and wake up in the same bed. We'll drive to college together and I can watch him get ready. When I get home, it won't be El and I or Atlas and drunk Imogen. It'll be the two of us.

I almost don't feel grown up enough to do this. El wanted us to get a small place together, but I told her that I haven't completely discarded the idea of having a dorm room. This is sort of the same. I'll have a roommate, it just happens to be the boy I'm in love with.