The Obstacles of Love

Chapter fourteen

            A lot of the time I repress how I’m feeling. I get through the day and pretend that I’m just on a trip away from my mother. She’ll come get me soon and we can go home. But it’s getting harder to repress as time moves forward and the trip doesn’t end. As each week passes by people stop tip toeing around you, they stop checking up on you. They seem to forget that you went through a traumatic experience. They can once again start asking “how are you?” in the obligatory way that society mandates it, instead of, the “how are you?” that is filled with pity, concern, and actual wonder. Roots get planted in this new life that you create for yourself. The life without one of the most important people that stared in your old. Every single day you wish they were there, but only sometimes do you let others know that. Some days you are tempted to curl up in a ball wherever you are. Most, you can function normally pretending at any minute that the person you miss the most is going to walk into your life again. Only they don’t, and so some days you do curl up, maybe it’s for just a little while before you’re forced to get back to life, and other times it’s for a whole day. Today is one of those days.

            I have not truly been alone since the death of my mother. I can be in a room alone but someone was always a few feet away. Only not today.

            After Johnny dropped me off at home I had a few hours before Katie came over. I wanted to clean up from the night before when Johnny slept over so I told him to leave instead of coming in. I wasn’t truly prepared for the alone time. As soon as I walked in and there was no one calling out a greeting I felt lonely. I felt even lonelier as I walked through the house and tried to think of something to do. I had done all my homework in school so I didn’t even have that as a distraction.  I walked into my bedroom and Pickles was lying on my bed. Her tail immediately began to wag and I gave her a small smile.

            “Hey, Pickles.” I drop my school bag and walk over to pet her head. In that moment I was so grateful that she was there. She nuzzled her big head against my stomach almost knocking me over. I gave a small laugh but I could feel the tears beginning to pool.

            Being alone meant that there was no distraction from your problems. You actually had to deal with them. I pushed Pickles over and laid next to her. She snuggled right up and rested her head on my chest. It was nice to have her here, but that didn’t stop the tears from spilling over. The truth is that I missed my mother. Every day that went by without her was making it harder, not easier. Especially because with each day that passed it became clear all the things that she was going to miss in my life. She wasn’t going to be at my wedding, she wasn’t going to be there when I had my first kid. She wasn’t even going to be there when I went to prom. That was only a few months away; I wouldn’t be able to go dress shopping with her. I know that Sara will be more than happy to take me but it just isn’t the same.  My mom wasn’t going to be at my graduation. Along with that realization is that I won’t be walking with Natasha. There was already so many things that had happened that I wanted to tell her and couldn’t.

            All of a sudden I was craving the sound of her voice. I had never wanted anything more in my entire life then to talk to my mother right then. I knew that I couldn’t, so I did the next best thing. I called her cell phone. I knew it wasn’t a good idea because it would only hurt to hear her voice, but I had too. It didn’t ring but it went straight to voicemail. “Hey, this is June, leave a message and I’ll call you back.” My eyes close and a sob racks my body. I hung up and quickly called again. The logical part of me that knew that she was gone, knew that she wasn’t going to answer, but there was this other part that wanted her too. This illogical side that wanted to torture me, this small little piece of me that said, “what if she answers?” When she didn’t and once again the message played, “Hey, this is June, leave a message and I’ll call you back.” I cried harder. It was so good to hear her voice, and yet it hurt so bad. I called again and again and again until I wanted to throw my phone across the room. She was never going to call me back. Never. I called one more time and my hands balled into fists as the message played one more time, “Hey, this is June, leave a message and-” This time I did throw my phone.