3:11 a.m.
Why does it feel like everything is fake and unreal?
The thoughts that I withheld inside of me are coming out to me like a stranger would.
It is an odd feeling, knowing someone else has such a bigger connection to a day, thing, place, or person than you would ever have. It's a stranger.
Why can't I get this aching feeling out of my heart? Why does it feel like I long for something that no longer can be interacted with? Why do these questions cause me to swell with a sense of confusion?
Who am I and what am I doing here thinking about stuff like this?
I am a stranger to myself aren't I?
But that's just a thought.
Today is Christmas, I got BTS related stuff, as well as art and clothes. More than I usually would get on Christmas.
Christmas was always a dull holiday for me, not really festive in the family. It's also a death anniversary for someone. Only remembered that the day before.
We put no tree up this year, only lights, a bit more lights than we usually put up.
I got to taste wine, just a little bit.
Still cannot sleep because I don't want to expect anything to come from tomorrow. I am a stranger to many things as they are to me. But to keep the bond for appearances sake, I put on a smile and live for them.
May you be resting in heaven, Grandma. I really did not know you so well, but for regards to my father, who always prays for you around this time, and for my disgrace toward your burial, and toward you at your death bed, for fucks sake if I could go back, I'd try my best to get to know you.
I hope my burden on myself does not burden you. I just, couldn't help wondering who you were. I'm sorry.
I don't have the confidence to change just yet.
I probably will be even more depressed this coming new year. I can feel it, it's going to be the fall of my remaining pride. I hope that the people reading this don't come to me right away.
Burdening other people with the burdens I place on myself. I hate it.
It makes me want to destroy everything. Myself. haha. Sorry.
Sorry for a depressing update, have a happy holidays.
