I'll pause for a second to describe how I feel when I see you, feel you, hear you, literally do anything in regards to you.
I don't want to be poetic or some shit. I want to be straight up with you.
I met you in the midst of the pandemic of 2020 and I swear to god we were fated to meet. Through a mutual that I knew liked you so much to the point of obsession. I was not only apprehensive but scared. I had just been out and through the loops with many people. In the beginning I expected you to leave me as well.
When we first started talking you were a train wreck. It was sultry but sort of warming. Our first game you sucked pretty bad but I mean didn't we all back then? I was sage and you were brimstone- or was it the other way around??
As I got to know you and play more games with you I eventually asked you to play Minecraft. I was playing with other online friends and you seemed special somehow because I sorta knew you in real life. We played pixelmon. Then skyblock. Then on a realm we built a home together.
Little do you know even before I started to hang out with you on a daily basis I took a liking to you. Little did I know you were my gateway drug and rehab back into love.
It was a month after we started playing with each other. I spoke to my friend about how I started looking forward to playing with you more and more often. How much I started to talk about you with my mutuals, with myself, just thinking of playing with you and getting on to talk. Not only were you a source of joy in my life, you sparked a flame in me that I hadn't felt in years. I wanted to be greedy for once.
On minecraft I put our beds together, put effort into making a home for us, and even simped hard for you. Which looking back now, was really lame but cute. I remember the time I asked you out after we met in real life where I fell again in love with your smile, laugh, vibe, and personality. I came to you on minecraft and handed you... 69 of your favorite flower... and asked you out at our edgy blackstone base. When you said yes my mind went blank. I absolutely just... lost it... I ran out of my room and screamed into the cushions of the couch sitting on the veranda. I came back with a shitter smile on my face.
From that moment our vibe evolved. We bantered and laughed like no time before. I remember trying to punch you off a cliff in minecraft and we joked about domestic abuse, just thinking that I was now your one and only partner made me so happy.
But the happiness didn't overcome the doubts. You'd previously told me you liked another girl, dated another boy, and flirted with another boy. These things I took to heart out of not only self doubt, but out of consideration to them. I made the mistake of not focusing on my happiness, but others. Not only that, but the friend I had mentioned earlier obviously was very hurt over our new relationship. The tears they shed made me feel like an asshole to be honest. I was guilty for a long time, until a friend and you snapped me out of it.
I know now to focus on us though. Through the support of those around us and through the promise of our love for each other. Although I still do get jealous easily...
Anyways back to the juicy stuff.
Only days after we started dating I was invited to join an old friend group I had once left before out of fear and self doubt. You supported me and gave me bravery during that time whether you knew or not. It is thanks to you that I'm now friends again with one of my most beloved friend/family member. I cannot stress enough how grateful I am to be in contact with them and support them again.
We had fun with this group, and although I had some trouble adjusting to my new clinginess and possessiveness, we worked and fought through it together because I found that I was comfortable enough to open up. And that being vulnerable to someone who really cares will not backfire like I had though previously.
When you opened up to me about your likes, dislikes, your comfort level, your discomfort level, your expectations, your dreams, aspirations, and much more... I felt like I could finally become myself around you. I wanted and want to embrace who you are. I want to continuously support your ideas and your image however you want to shape it. To me your possibilities are endless and I am here for you whenever.
We had a date at HL park and had our first kiss with our bare feet in the water as a fish flopped by. I will never forget your astonished expression as we both felt the giddy high of the event. My shoes are still muddy currently from the wet ground of that day.
I remember the first time I held you. I was shocked... you were surprisingly frail at the waist and really really pretty up close.
I love hugging you, sneaking kisses in the kitchen, bantering and bickering with you, and cuddling under the blanket with you.
Despite how warm I've been in the recent blurbs of love that I've written. I have to address the price of young love.
I had to fight my parents, face my mental illness, and face the harsh reality that I've entered. I re-evaluated all of my life's priorities because of you. I had to destroy the past identity of myself that sought to die early. I had to finally acknowledge what I wanted in life. Not only had you given me a reason to live to a reasonable age, you gave me a purpose to seek out my own happiness for once. The amount of fights I've had with my mom over the basic rights to see you, hear you, contact you, I hope you understand how much I put into protecting us.
I hope that doesn't make you feel burdened. That time has passed and ever since the night that you saved my life my mother has been seeing you in a better light.
Speaking of that. I made a terrible mistake. I hope you can forgive me- actually I hope I can forgive myself for causing you and others so much worry. December.
Now I'm at a stalemate. I feel there is so much more for me to open up about now that my true self is leaking out. I've stopped faking happiness for pretenses and ease. You've accepted me in this light as well. Which to be honest I was not anticipating.
I wish to marry you someday to be honest. I want to throw away all of my doubts and worries and just remember that I love you, and you love me. I'm slowly working to reconcile others and myself with my new outlook on life. I look forward to a fulfilling life with you and the others that I keep alongside me.
Well uhhhh poggers I kinda went off there. Hopefully next time I write it's something happy!! Oh yeah also I wanna write a list of things that happened that are happy:
- your first ace with Reyna!!!
- when I made cookies with you
-trying asian food and making you try asian food and you like it and I'm always like woah cause my other non-asian friends are picky
-when you get excited in real life over kisses and cuddles
- when I pat your head in public or just in general and your nose scrunches up
- when you get embarrassed and you hide your face!!
- when I buy you things and you get mad but you say thank you in a very small voice
- when you laugh so hard that you cant breathe and it makes me smile
- when wheeze
- when nobody is home at your house and you either pop the fuck off or scream like some eldritch horror.
- when you nerd out and talk about something with me for like 2 hours
- when that one time you made me a spotify playlist that was just polish cow 15 times
- when you excitedly show me instagram memes on your phone
- when you kiss me unexpectedly and or grab me from behind
- when you squeeze me and I make an "eugh" noise out of my control and make fun of me for it
- when you start squealing and cheering me on in valorant when I pop off
- when you reassure me and ask if I'm doing ok
- when you when uhhh when you you you you are you.
I love you.
