The Tattoo Affair || [Ambw]

Chp 20

7am

I wake up and just sit here in the bed for a minute. Although I feel a little weight and anger off my shoulders, doesn't mean it's gone completely. This morning, CJ and I are visiting our parents burial site. Just the thought makes my heart feel a little heavy. I just want to talk to them. I only visited eomma once with appa and CJ after she passed and I never once visited appa. I feel guilty for that. But I just couldn't. I wonder if they understand.

After we finish getting ready, we get in the car and head there. I kept switching from closing my eyes, to staring out of the window. The whole ride was silent. I can tell CJ is trying to take on his role of being the eldest. He's trying to keep on a tough face. Trying to be strong. I know he hurts just as bad as I do. Although he got to probably grieve and let it out. Me on the other hand, I've held it in all these years. The closer we get to the burial site, the more pain I feel in my chest. I start to feel more guilt the closer we get. We arrive and CJ parks the car. I can't even get out of the car right away. I just sit there. My body stuck to my seat. I know I never let it out and grieved. I became numb and closed off. I was in shock for awhile, thinking this all was some kind of nightmare. But years passed, and eomma and appa both never came back. They were really gone. Reality killed me. I was dead inside. CJ pats me on the back, snapping me out of my thoughts.

He signals for us to get out. I grab the roses from my lap and slowly get out the car. We're both completely silent as we start walking. CJ puts his arm around my shoulder and pats it. The moment we get closer, their gravestones now in site, I lose it. My legs give out and I drop to my knees. My vision gets blurry from the tears that are forming. My lips start to tremble. I can feel my heart beating in my throat. CJ grabs my arm and lifts me off of the ground.

CJ: "I know. But we gotta do this. YOU gotta do this! You never visited dad, you gotta at some point bro. I know it hurts, you gotta get it out lil bro. Don't hold onto that pain, it only makes it worse. They've been waiting for you to visit. Talk to them. I got you, Jae. Come on."

Tears fall down my face as we walk up to their graves. They're buried beside each other. They're not supposed to be in there! They don't belong in there!

Me: "Eomma....Appa......" I lay the roses down on both their graves. My voice shaky. I drop down to my knees, unable to stand. I start to break down and cry. "Eomma, I'm sorry....appa, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry....I'm sorry....I'M SORRY!!!!!!! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I just sit there crying my eyes out, choking on my own saliva.

Me: "Eomma, I'm sorry I only visited you here once. I couldn't cope with the fact that you're gone. Most importantly, I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry I went to school that day! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most! Eomma....I hope you're not mad at me...I wanted to be the best son I could be...I feel like I failed you...I'm so sorry. Appa, I'm also very sorry to you. I'm sorry I never stopped by to visit you here at all. I'm so sorry I missed the signs that day until it was too late. I'm sorry I listened to you and left the house that day. I'm sorry I couldn't save you either......I failed to protect you two. I failed the both of you....I failed you both......Oh God....I failed them....I failed.." I sit there on my knees, clutching my chest, crying my eyes out. CJ grabs me by the collar, forcing me to stand on my feet.

CJ: "Yah! SungJae-yah!!!! You didn't fail them! Stop that shit!!" He says, shaking me by the collar. "Bruh you were a kid! I used to feel guilty too! I used to think it was my fault as well! It wasn't! Stop blaming yourself. The people responsible and at fault, we already took care of! Stop blaming yourself! Mom and dad wouldn't want you feelin at fault. You're the only one besides myself that made it out of that house alive! You didn't do nothin wrong. Mom and dad were proud of you. They were so fuckin proud of you bro. Stop it."

I start to feel my stomach churning. He lets go of my collar. I don't feel well. I feel nauseous. I feel sick. I feel the food I ate this morning start to come back up. I stumble to the nearest bush and just in time, I'm vomiting. CJ comes up behind me, patting my back as I empty out my stomach.

CJ: "It's alright...you're okay man."

I wipe my mouth then just stand there for a minute. My eyes become blurry again. I'm so frustrated. I'm so broken. I just want my parents back. I kick the dirt on the ground.

Me: "FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!" I yell out. "Hyung...it's not fair....it's not fair.." I break down and cry again.

I notice a tear fall out of his eye and he pulls me in, hugging me.

CJ: "I know man.." he sniffles. "I wish I could bring them back...I know." We stand there hugging, crying on each other's shoulder.

We eventually get ourselves together and CJ pats my back. We go back to their graves and just talk to our parents about our lives.

CJ: "So eomma, appa...it's been awhile. You know how I told you two about my girlfriend, Marie? Well...I'm planning on proposing soon. But I want you two to meet her before we get married, so next time I come back to visit...I'll bring her with me."

Me: "Also....I met someone. Someone I want to protect and can't picture my life without. You both would really love her. Her name is Shantel. She's beautiful and has the kindest personality. But there's a problem. She's married...but starting tomorrow, she's free. That guy is horrible. He almost killed her and threatened her and myself. So we have to take care of it tomorrow. You both taught me to protect the ones I hold dearest. I wasn't able to protect the both of you, but I swore to myself and I also swear to you guys that from now on, I won't let anyone else important to me slip away. I'll do whatever it takes to protect them..no matter what. When CJ comes back with Marie, I'll come with them, with Shan. I seriously plan on marrying her some day in the future."

Me and CJ sit there for hours, talking to our parents. We were there for hours. We even went to go get lunch and came back to their burial site and ate and talked some more. Although it hurts, I feel glad I finally gained the strength and courage to visit them. I know they're proud of me for this.