The Moonlight cab

Part 4

Word count: 1034

Cas, of course, one more thing to remind me of how I lost Sam and Dean. Of course, out of all people, it's freaking Cas. He showed up in his famous trench coat, blue tie and with a pouty look on his face. Now I understand why Dean called him a baby in a trench coat, he knew how much this hurt me, yet like an idjit he decides to show up the minute that I'm feeling better. He's an angel, he doesn't understand how I feel, he didn't just lose the love of his life! I did and I need him to get that through his thick skull.

"Welcome back into my life Cas, now can you leave again?" I asked rhetorically, does he not understand that I just began to heal and that having him in my life would make it so much worse. He must be insane to just disappear and then pop back into my life like he's Batman or something, it's becoming very annoying and vexing.

"Well Melody I came to see if you were okay, so no I can't leave."  I can't believe what I had just heard, he had the nerve to stay here while I am obviously a train wreck and grieving very much. There was an emptiness in my chest, a hole that wouldn't go away, and Cas was making me think about how that hole was placed there.

"Cas I don't need you! I feel like I'm going to die from emotional heartache! Are they gone okay? Go back to your angel life before you make mine worse!" I shouted at him, breaking down into tears. Who am I kidding, I thought I was doing better and I thought that the grieving was almost gone, I guess not though. My walls were slowly being built back up like they were before I had met Sam and Dean. 20 feet tall and 10 feet wide. At least now they would protect me from being hurt again. 

"Melody, calm down, I can make sure you stay safe, help you get past your grieving stages please." he pleaded, I did not need a babysitter and I did not want him to keep me safe, I am a hunter no matter what. If I couldn't take care of myself I would not have left Jo's, he needs to get that.

"Cas I'm a hunter, I don't need you or your dumb angel powers to keep me safe. I can fully protect myself without you, you would just pull me back" I yelled at him and began to run off, I need to get away from the person that was bringing me floods of flashbacks. I ran till I couldn't run anymore. Till all the strength that was left in me was gone. He must have gotten the memo, I didn't want to be anywhere near him and I'm glad he had somewhat understood that. I was so out of breath from running that I had to sit down, I looked around and saw a bench so I walked slowly towards it and sat down. It was a little wet from last night weather, but I didn't care. As long as I could sit down to take a break from all that running I didn't care about anything, but the way I had treated Cas. I was hurting and grieving, but that was no excuse to just start yelling at him. He's like family to me, yet I decided to treat him like dirt just because he wasn't the one I wanted to see. He could've saved them, but I didn't pray to him, I didn't ask him to come help. So, of course, the blame is still on me. It'll always be my fault. I can't run away from that anymore and I need to understand that, no matter how painful it is, no matter how much life it'll take away from me. I know that I need to understand that. I've been through this for what seemed like a long, long time, just trying to kill the pain, love comes and goes and no one really knew, not even me that Sam and Dean would go, just like that. I had already tried to modify my attitude so that I wouldn't go off on people like this but It just never works.

I kept walking though. My head down low, no eye contact with anybody hiding my blue eyes full of emptiness and loss of hope, full of the flashbacks, the bad memories, my blue eyes were being drained of their color just from the disturbing thoughts that flashed in front of them over and over again. It was consistent. My breathing wasn't normal either, It sped up and it time it was like air was exiting my body rather than entering it, my normal breaths began turning into gasps for air. My hands trembled, what was happening to me? I carried on walking, i had to stay strong, i began to try and slow down my breathing, and tried to get the images of Sam and Dean out of the mess that i call my mind. My whole body was unpredictable a the moment, it felt as though i had no control what so ever. I tried to steady my self in any way i could but it didn't work. I walked over to the wooden bench that was old looking, and almost broken. I didn't care though, all i cared about was getting myself back into my normal state, the one where i can actually remember how to breathe. The more i tried the faster my breathing got, it was like my heart was about to explode out of my body, i could feel it pumping the blood within me, fast. I could feel the adrenaline that affected me like it was a drug, maybe it was my body's drug. The flashbacks got much more intense until my vision began to blur out. I had blacked out. All I could see was the darkness inside of me that now surrounded me.

A/n I hope you guys enjoy chapter 5 will be out soon!