My Poems, To Share

Dysphoria

Why is it every time I say I'm feeling dysphoric people tell me I'm "pretty" or "beautiful"?

Or every time I am dysphoric, someone is there to tell me what I don't want to hear?

I don't want to be "pretty" or "beautiful".
I want to be handsome.
I want to look masculine.
Sometimes I want to be pretty or beautiful.
Just not today.

Was today the day you assumed my identity?
If so, why me?
I don't want to look like something I don't feel like.
Stop telling me I look like something I DON'T actually feel!

Sure, I was pretty yesterday and the day before.
Does that mean I can't be handsome?
Or does that only apply for today?

Just because my feelings change immediately doesn't mean I don't know what I feel like.

I know what I feel.
I just don't see it in me.
But no one else does either.
So why bother trying?

No, this isn't my cry for help.
I can handle this by myself!
I'm looking for support.
Y'know, that thing people keep having difficulty with.

It's difficult to have it.
But you have it easy.
You don't feel like I do.
You don't know what it's like to feel like this!

I'm jealous.
You know what place you have.
You have no difficulty with your identity.
Why do I not have that quality?

To everyone:
I'M NOT A GIRL.
I'M NOT A BOY.
I'M NOT GENDERFLUID.
I'M NOT TRANSGENDER.
I don't cry myself to sleep because no one understands me.

I'm me.
And I have DYSPHORIA.
I wish you knew that too.
Does it give you shock that I'm not what you think I am?

~Kylie