Random stuff (FINISHED)

Thank you?

So I've been re-reading some of my stuff and like the old stuff I used to hate on really got to me like I really love it now

But

The recent things I've done, weren't really pleasing me, for some reason I hate it, I despise it, I did not like it, it made me wish I never even continued writing

So

That made me think how stupid I am, how I'm always trying to be emotional supportive, and how I try to help everyone, but I fall for the same mistakes and issues myself.

I always try to make other people improve, I always try and tell people that their problems are simple, I always know what advice to give

But for myself, its a whole different story

I'm not depressed, I'm far from depressed, I just have a trouble mind, anxiety, fear of making mistakes, low self esteem.

Now the title, I always had a little problem about the real me, I always pretended to be someone I'm not that I forgot who I really was

I don't have a main personality

For example some people are more happy-go-lucky, and if they're sad its obvious

Some people are the opposite, and tend to hide their emotions

But that's not me, some people ask me, hey are okay? You seem sad? I wasn't sad but after they asked boom im just instantly depressed now

I'm bi-polar, not really an illness but a state of mind, I have frequent moodswings and my emotions don't really go down

For example, you would ask me if I was sad, and I would say yes as a little joke but I wasn't sad

Then the conversation just became me being scared and sad and lonely and hated on

I don't know why this happens but I think its because I don't like expressing my emotions

I don't like giving my own opinions, instead of saying what I want, I say what other people would like to hear, either that or I would say the most obvious and common answer

Sometimes its the opposite and I'll say something that's the opposite to what I really prefer

I think its just because I'm in the preteen years?

I'm turning fourteen and the way I do things the way I think and act is slowly changing and it scares me

Like how I'm actually bisexual, is it really who I am or is it just me trying to fit in and claiming it is my true self

Do I really like the things I do

Its strange of how thinking about the past made me question me now

And this isn't the first time I thought about this, this has been in my mind for awhile now

Its just really difficult

But I'm not here to sulk, I am NOT going to be victim to this any longer

Its the newyears soon, my birthday is soon, so I want to-not be someone I would want to be-but the best I can be

So this year I'm giving it my all, no longer pulling myself down, no longer avoiding things that scare me, no more self consciousness, no more fear, no more lies.

I will study, not because I'm forced to, or not because I'll be grounded if I fail, but its because I want to learn, I want to work hard, I have dreams I want to achieve.

I will actually work on my art, and not downgrade myself so much.

I will be better, I can and will improve

This year I will change, and I mean it this time, I know that it wont happen immediatly, there will always be some slip ups here and there but still I want to improve as a person, I'm getting nowhere in life, next thing you know I'm in senior high school and im still bull crapping everything.

So I really wanna do something worthwhile, I don't know, I just really wanted to share this, I should really get a diary or something.

But Thank you, all of you, your comments and votes and reads really cheer me on, I'm glad you guys support this, even if I'm not that good at what I do you guys still read my stuff, so thank you.

I dong really know what the message of this is supposed to be but it did make me feeling better so yeah.

Then next year came by and I'm still the same lmao

I doubt anyone read that but meh it was relieving to write it