I would like to mention
How easy it is for me to be swayed
Just because of someone else's jealousy.
Just because they don't get enough time with me.
What about time for myself?
You know that moment
In those TV dramas
Where the suicidal teen calls her mom
And says she misses her and she wants her home,
Then the mom says "oh you're old enough to be home alone for a little while."
But that's just it
because the whole reason why the teen is suicidal
Is because the parents think it's okay to be kept alone for so many hours
Days
And years,
and be disconnected from the family.
I'm just the opposite:
My mom is afraid to have a suicidal child;
She's aware.
I love how she checks up on me
And asks if it's okay that she leaves the house for a couple of hours.
I am so thankful that she asks that.
But each time I reply,
"Please! I always need as much time alone as I can get!"
And we laugh together as she walks out the door.
But it's unfair
And painful
When my family argues right in front of me,
"She spends too much time alone. She never wants to be with the family."
Oh and I get driven up the wall when my needy brother comes to visit: "All you want to do is be with your boyfriend. You can be with him any other day, but I'm only here for two weeks. Why do you want to be with your friends more than me? You and I have only hang out together for three days. You can be with them when I'm gone."
Rawr. That's what I have to say about that.
Not to mention when he gets with my grandma, who thinks I see my boyfriend every day. (It's only a coincidence that whenever she comes over, he's over. And when he's not over, she's not over.)
Those two can go on and on about how I'm selfish and never spend time with the family.
Why am I being hurt for my nature? It's every teen's nature to be isolated. That's how we grow and learn.
I sigh. But then again, I should be more grateful and I should enjoy what I have while it's still here.
So
Tonight,
I cancelled a game night with 6 of my friends
To be with the family that
Thinks I'm rude
And go with them to spend time
At a bookstore.
I feel
they will never see
that I am hurt
because of this.
But
Pain is temporary
And I'm only being childish.
This act won't effect their view of me
It will only effect my view of myself.
