Reverie

CHAPTER II

-melia...  Amelia...

“Amelia!”

Matt snapped his fingers in front of Eli to capture her attention. She finally snapped out of her daze as her sullen,  dark eyes made its way to meet his gaze. She looked like hell.  Pale with dark circles around her eyes,  her thoughts always drifted somewhere else where he could never follow her.

“How many have you had today?”

“umm...  2 -- ok 4. This is the fourth cup.” She said in annoyance as she took a sip from the hot Caramel Macchiato she is holding and avoided Matt’s concerned look. She put down the cup and started fidgeting with her fingers again.

“Eli. Look at me.”

She hesitated. She didn’t want to but she had no choice. She met his gaze and he had that serious look she was always afraid of.

“Is it worse?”

She slouched in her chair trying to make herself smaller,  unconsciously brushing her hand over her forearm again as if there was something on it. It didn’t escape Matt as he gazed at her action and went back to her face.

“Maybe it’s time to tell them... or if you don’t want to, we could ask for help.”

Eli became uneasy and started crossing her arms still in a slouched position,  keeping her head down.

“Eli,” Matt moved closer and she met his gaze. “I am not them. Please let me in... This is torturing you. Please.”

Tears started swelling up in her eyes but she mastered this already. She knew how to fight them back. She breathed in deeply and sat up straight in her chair.

“Can we talk about this some other time?  Just not here ok?  I’m fine. I haven’t been out in a while so let’s just enjoy this.”

She knows she can’t do this for long. She disappears too often now, always lost in her head and sooner or later even the people at her house will notice. She hasn’t really talked with anyone longer than 3 minutes other than Matt who sometimes checks up on her.  They would stay up in her room and watch a movie,  a TV show or listen to music as she would sketch or write and he would mess with some of her stuff.  They would exchange ideas about a book they have just read or what happened in a movie.  She would show him scenic pictures that she took and he would tell her about the new game he played.

The music was calming in the cafe.  A downtempo,  indie electronic music permeating the place with inaudible chatter from the  people around them made her more attentive to her surroundings than dwell back to her thoughts. It was easy with Matt, like they were in the same wave length.  He could always cheer her up and keep her thoughts at bay without even trying. They haven’t known each other long but they clicked and she needed someone like that in her life. Even if he was her only friend,  she was contented.

*****

“Where the fuck have you been?”

She was greeted by that all too familiar tone as soon as she arrived. She looked back at the glaring eyes that stared at her in disgust,  his teeth exposed. She didn’t respond as she knew it will only fall on deaf ears.  She stood with her hands behind her back just waiting for him to continue.

“Now you are glaring at me?  You’ve  become too full of yourself haven’t you? You little backstabber! Go on and tell them!  I don’t care. You just want to be treated as a kid don’t you, being waited on hand and foot.”

She pinched her arm harder but she still had a stoic expression. She had become numb to this on the outside. Getting used to it day by day but playing on her mental stability. She tried to reason with herself why she was treated like this. She had become servile even to the people who should be supporting her,  loving her and proud of her. But instead she had to work hard for just being tossed a bone.

She remembered when he cornered her when she was younger. She bawled her eyes out, confused with what she did wrong and why he was angry at her and told her parents.

“That’s absurd! Your brother won’t do that. It could be something you did!” her mother said while her father was quiet.

She tried to push back her memories. She will not dare cry in front of this man. She was older and stronger. She had to be.

‘He’s pathetic... You are stronger than he is. You are stronger.’

She kept repeating in her mind and pinched her arm even harder.

“...such a waste of space. No one cares about you! Now you are gonna make this my fault,  are you,  are you?  Get the fuck out of my face!”

Finally. She made her way calmly up the stairs her breathing starting to become rapid.
She locked the door and put her bag down and turned on her laptop. While it booted itself up she got lost in thought again,  staring at nothing as her mind went blank. Once her home screen appeared on the monitor she chose the music she wanted to play and just listened,  calming her breathing.

*Tomorrows an illusion
Yesterday’s a dream
Today is a solution
But you’ve got to let it be
And if you are looking for the answer
It’s right before your eyes
Although it’s

The music suddenly faded into the background as that all too familiar feeling enveloped her again - That cold,  numbing feeling that made her head hurt. She brushed her fingers on her inner forearm, this time feeling the irregular shaped scars protruding from her once smooth flesh. It has been a long time since she did that to herself and she can’t believe she kind of missed it.

*Somewhere from the edge of time
When the poets die the words
Don’t rhyme I’ll call you up and say
We made it okay
Somewhere in the back of your mind
When you see your demons come to life
And the world just fades away
You’ll know it’s okay...

Drip. Drip. Her hands were shaking now and tears were falling from her face but her expression was calm. She moved her gaze to where her pens and pencils were and she found what she was looking for.
The sound was welcoming as the blade lengthened to her desire. She positioned it with trembling hands on her upper forearm,  then she moved it slowly lower and lower.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

*Bliss 66 – Not Quite Paradise